Friday, October 23rd
Chicago, IL
After falling behind early in the series, the New York Mets were finished off by the Chicago Cubs 14-2 in a deciding game five that saw New York’s magical 2015 season come to an unceremonious conclusion. Manager Terry Collins was asked after the game what went wrong, to which he bluntly responded, “Everything. Couldn’t pitch, couldn’t hit. These are the Mets I remember.”
The Cubs battered the Mets over the course of the series, totaling 27 home runs and 63 runs in a matchup that failed to live up to the hype. During the post-game celebration, a champagne-soaked Anthony Rizzo was asked what the key was to Chicago’s victory in the series: “Well, you know, it’s the Mets. Everyone in baseball knows the types of failures that organization is capable of, so even after losing game four, we knew we just had to play semi-competent baseball to pull off the W.” And pull off the W they did. After Matt Harvey was lifted in the third inning after five HRs with what the team termed a “sore vagina,” the Mets bullpen came in to essentially hand the game and series over to Chicago on a silver platter. Harvey wasn’t the only Mets pitcher to have a rough series. Both Noah Syndergaard and Jacob deGrom suffered career-ending injuries in the series, leaving New York’s once promising future in serious doubt.
While losing in such shameful fashion usually leaves a sour taste in the mouths of a collective club, the Mets were able to find some silver lining following the loss. Third baseman David Wright revealed in an emotional press conference that he is and always has been a homosexual. The revelation came after a reporter asked what he planned to do in the offseason to train for 2016, “Lots of dudes,” Wright responded. He then broke down crying for several minutes before touching off on an emotional speech about his sexual proclivities:
“This has been a tough year for me. The spinal stenosis I suffered through made me unable to take on as many dicks as I’m accustomed to, and that really put me in a funk.” Wright continued, “Only a few of my teammates, the ones I’ve banged, have known about me being gay. I wanted to come out this season, but with the team doing so well, I didn’t want to be a distraction to all the success we were enjoying. Now that we’re back to being just another scrub team, I feel it’s an appropriate time to let the world know who I am.”
Wright’s teammates, in a beautiful show of support, then joined him on the press conference stage and had a good cry. Wright, clearly aroused by the situation, then tried to fruitlessly initiate a group orgy; only a few teammates obliged.
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