NBC was hyping this game up as two “playoff rivals.” Just because they beat us last year on a joke play that should have been called for holding doesn’t mean the Stees and Jags are rivals. The two teams have a completely different looks with so many people injured. Maybe we should play them a few more times for them to be our rival. I don’t know. That was my attempt at an intro. You can piss on yourself if you think you could have done better. On to the game!
(This was supposed to be a complete game live blog but since I didn’t get to watch most of the first half from traveling, my boy Bam got my back and covered the first half for me. Much love Bam. )
FIRST QUARTER
Jagoffs kick off to Dump Truck and it feels like 2007. Big Ben hands it off to Mewelde Moore and he makes some defenders look like fools to the tune of 16 yards. Tack on a facemask and it’s a huge gainer to midfield.
Ben hits Hines for a first down, but gets sacked a couple plays later when Chris K. misses a block. Ouch. 3rd and 18.
All hell breaks loose on the next play.
Holmes gets caught up in the grass coming out of his break, but Ben has already thrown the ball to him. Steeler killer Rashean Mathis picks it off. Nobody from Pittsburgh lays a finger on him and he returns in the whole way.
Deja vu much?
7-0 Jacksonville.
Next drive starts sucking, but Ben completes a big first down to Holmes. Arians pounds the ball with Moore and Dump Truck. Mewelde gets another throw from Ben for a big first down and then Hines gets hit late to add another 15 yards.
A big 3rd down comes up. You know Skippy Reed is ready to go, but field goals are no good in the NFL. Heath gets open down the middle and Ben zings it to him for a clutch first down.
Heath and Ben must be on the same page because Arians calls a play-action pass on 2nd and goal. Every Steeler fan knows who’s going to be open.
Too easy. Even his bobblehead is all man.
7-7 tie game.
Garrard completes a few 3rd and long passes and then launches a long bomb on the ensuing first down. The refs say Ike Taylor interferes with some random cocaine addict and Jones-Drew runs it in from the one.
Unless Cocaine Addict is 10 feet tall, there’s no way he’s catching that ball. We don’t like to blame it on the refs, but not a good call.
14-7 Jacksonville.
Steelers start committing a bunch of false starts after the kickoff. Looks like things could be ugly, but Hines bails out the line with a huge 3rd down catch. In case we weren’t in love with him enough, he pulls in another 15 yarder a few plays later.
SECOND QUARTER
Mewelde gashes the Jagoffs for 12 and another first down. Hines repeats his act for a third time and another first down, but the rest of the drive goes nowhere, so it’s Skippy time.
John Madden loves Jeff Reed’s feet too.
14-10 Jacksonville.
One of the many Jagoffs with dreadlocks returns the kick out to the 40 so David Garrard has good field position to play mediocre football in and does his best job by going three and out.
Steelers get the next drive started with a quick slant to Holmes who turns on the jets and runs past Mathis for 20 yards. After another first down throw to Nate Washington, Ben dials Nate long distance and he is wide open for an easy 50 yard touchdown pass. Some 60 year old Jagoff fan in the endzone waves incomplete. Apparently Fred Taylor was watching the play from the endzone with his walker.
Still waiting for him to drop it.
17-14 Pittsburgh.
Polamalu takes over the game on the Jagoffs next drive, tackling Jones-Drew on a screen and then breaking up a pass to force a punt. When he’s healthy, there’s no better defensive back in football (except for Rashean Mathis playing against the Steelers).
Steelers get a long pass to Heath, but Willie Colon puts his training camp fundamentals to use and tackles the defensive end for a holding penalty. A 3rd down bomb to Nate falls to the ground, but some Jag stooge taunts Washington and the Steelers get a first down. Ben can’t find anybody open during the next series and Berger punts on into the endzone.
Steel Curtain makes a huge stop on 3rd down when the Jags try to get cute with a hurry up.
Jack Del Rio’s wife answers questions about the gameplan.
Ben keeps picking apart the defense. There’s an audible “HEEEEATH” chant from the stands. It’s safe to say Steeler Nation is better than Jaguar Nation. Holmes makes an outstanding catch and takes a big hit to move the offensive down to the 10. Again, the offense stalls in the redzone after some miscommunication on 3rd down. Tomlin puts his cash on Skippy Reed.
…easy money.
20-14 Pittsburgh.
HALFTIME
We start the new blogging revolution by doing a second half live blog. Don’t ask why.
The Angels and Red Sox go back and forth in the ALCS.
Oh, and I pooped.
THIRD QUARTER
14:42 – Dump off to Freddy Taylor. He gets gang raped by the Steelers. The next play already happens as I’m typing this sentence. I feel like live blogging is going to be harder than I think.
13:57 – Garrard throws it to someone God hasn’t even heard of for a first down.
12:36 – MJD gets a dump off pass for the first down. He’s so fat. How can he a running back and be that fast? It’s like against physics or something. They also show him in a Superman shirt and it makes me want to punch him in the balls for doing something like that.
11:46 – Another receiver no one has heard of catches a pass just short of the first. But I think we’ll bring that back. Their offensive line tries to hold one of the Stees’ weiner and the ref catches it. He gets jealous so he throws a flag.
11:19 – Woodley lays the.. wood and comes up with a sweet sack. 4th and 27. Too bad it’s not Madden or I would have went for it if I was the Jags. They punt it because they’re wusses.
10:07 – After some dumb plays, the Stees are looking at 3rd and 9 and Ben throws a dump pass to Carey Davis. Carey just jukes back and forth in the same spot at least 5 times and doesn’t get the first. Punt time.
7:25 – 3rd and 1 and the Steeler D shuts down Fatty Superman. It’s at midfield so they grow a pair and go for it.
6:35 – Play action fake to the full back for a first. Gay.
6:00 – Madden’s commentary is makes you want to kick someone in the face. He brags about how big Garrard’s calves are. That will be the difference maker at the end of the game, I’m sure. If it’s a tie, they won’t even go into overtime. They’ll just line up Ben against David and have a calf-off, in which Garrard will dominate with his D-cup sized calves.
4:26 – McFadden comes up with a huge stop on 3rd down to make it 4th and 7. Now it is turning into Madden and they’re going for it again.
4:21 – No dice, baby. Garrard’s pass gets knocked down and it’s Stee ball. 60 yard bomb to Hines on the first play, I’m calling it.
4:15 – Yeah that didn’t happen.
2:51 – 3rd and 12, Ben tries to get away but he doesn’t realize how slow he actually is and gets double teamed. Punt away again. I want some offensive action. From the Stees, not the Jagoffs.
:50 – Garrard hits a that same guy for like 20 or 30 yards to get past midfield. Our secondary is either great or horrible on any given play. No in between.
FOURTH QUARTER
14:11 – Matt Jones gets jacked up. It was such a sweet hit but Townsend gets a penalty. I see nothing wrong with that play. It wasn’t helmet to helmet, regardless of what Madden says. He then goes on to say it was a “free head shot.” Which makes me want to give him a free shot to his face with my load.
14:05 – Garrard hits a big black guy for a touchdown. Madden becomes a Jags fan even more by exclaiming how amazing that play was. A touchdown to a tight end over the middle!?!?!? What madness! The Jags are becoming innovators of the game!
13:22 – Ben pump fakes the Jags 39 consecutive times which ends up in a sack. Ben loves holding that ball.
12:40 – Ben holds that ball once again and throws the ball 10 feet in front of him. But luckily the Stees get a holding call on the Jags. First down!
11:07 – On third and long, Ben does the smart thing and takes it straight up the middle himself. Another punt.
9:07 – The Jags try to run a few times but they can’t. They just suck. Garrard hits Fatty short of the first but they call a roughing the passer penalty. Madden calls it close. It wasn’t. At all. If Woodley would have stopped, he could have just pump faked him and scrambled. Terrible call. I hate Madden.
8:10 – Woodley gets another sack which gives me a woodley.
7:20 – 3rd and 20. They get a long pass but not enough for the first. Madden still loves them and says how great of a pass it was. Jack Del Rio and Madden seriously must have made out before the game.
6:33 – Stees get the ball back. Ben was basically sacked but actually comes out of it this time. He NEEDS TO GET RID OF THE BALL!!!! O! M! G! I want to bag tag Ben right now for trying to scramble so much.
4:50 – They need this 3rd and 3 and they get it. Ben hits Nate. He’s having a hell of a game. But there’s a flag. Why not. They call an unsportsmanlike conduct on Nate. Come on. He’s happy. All he did was stick his arm out.
4:13 – Melwede gains the slowest 30 yards in the history of the NFL. His cutback took at least 10 seconds.
Who uses the speed burst button anyway?
2:57 – Big third down again. Madden claims they have to go to Heath Miller. Ben makes the most ridiculous play ever. Watching Ben play quarterback takes at least 10 years from your life. It’s a fact, bitch. He hits Nate in stride as he is being brought down from his collar. He gets injured on the play and has to go out. I think he just fakes these injuries just so he doesn’t have to practice during the week. I see your tricks Ben, I see them.
2:02 – Jags call a timeout. Whatev. Ben holds his arm like it’s broken as he comes off the field. He’s such a solider.
1:59 – There’s a warning. Stees down 1. 3rd and 5 on the Fag’s 8. A TD here would be nice. A FG would suffice though.
1:53 – I scream the whole time the ball is in the air on a fade. TOUCHDOWN STEELERS!!!!!!!!!!!! Hines makes a nice catch. Ben, with his compound fractured arm, makes a beautiful throw. They call for a replay but it’s obvious both feet are in. Madden doesn’t want this to be a touchdown so bad. It’s not even close. The ref comes out after 10 seconds and says it stands.
26-21 Pittsburgh.
1:53 – 2 point conversion. They call a delay of game. There is yelling from Ben. The refs don’t care. Now it’s back to the 7. They don’t get it to Heath. That’s ok. They still need a touchdown. Al Michael’s says Ben should be Iron Man in the sequel. I disagree. I think he would be a terrible actor.
1:44 – Pass incomplete to that guy I mentioned before. Ball on about the 23. Stop ‘em.
1:23 – 3rd and 9. Their receiver can’t catch. I laugh at him. 4th down. It comes down to this.
1:04 – Matt Jones catches it behind the first but gets through.
:47 – Garrard tries to run the ball but he realizes it isn’t last year’s playoffs and gets tackled after like 2 yards. 2nd and 8 on the Jags 40.
:36 – Harrison for the sack and FUMBLE! They call it that he was down but he gets hit as he was standing up. No one cares and the Jags use their last timeout.
:30 – 3rd and 14. Matt Jones can’t catch. It’s 4th and 14. I think the Jags should punt.
:25 – Garrard throws a pass to a Aaron Smith’s arm, which isn’t an eligible receiver for the Jags. So they lose. Which means.. Steelers win! YAY!
:00 – Steelers win! Yay!
Notes
+There were just as many Steeler fans in the house as Jagoff fans. The place was loudest when the Steelers scored. Just ask the Tampa Rays how great these Florida fans are.
+Rashean Mathis is probably banging Ben’s girlfriend right now.
+Steelers absolutely shut down the vaunted Jags running game – a lot different than last year’s games. 38 net yards rusing….38! Unreal effort.
+Ben, Troy, Silverback, and Woodley are beasts.
+Mewelde stats: 17 carries for 99 yards and 3 catches for 17 yards. Great game for a 4th string running back…he’ll be involved quite a bit the rest of the season no matter who gets healthy.
+Marvel Smith left during the 2nd half. Hopefully he is alright.
+Refs really messed up tonight. A few bad personal foul calls against the Steelers and the horrible clock management on the 2 point conversion. Guess there’s no point in complaining about it now though.
+Great playcalling by Arians and a fair effort by the offensive line. They probably give up at least 3 more sacks with any other QB, but to their defense, they are pretty banged up right now .
+This is a quality win against a good opponent for the Steelers. They have played three really physical games in a row and won 2 out of 3. A bye week is well-deserved.
Here we go, Steelers.
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