Everyone thought it was a fluke when Joey Bats hit 54 home runs last season for the Toronto Blue Jays. The total dwarfed his previous career best of 16 and seemed too good
to be true. Everyone also conceded the fact that it may not have been a fluke earlier this year when Bautista picked up where he left off. He was by far the best player in baseball over the first couple months and set a record with more than 7.4 million All-Star votes, every one of them completely deserved. As of July 6th, Bautista is batting .331 with a major league leading 70 walks and a big league best 28 homers. And that’s the important number because it is specifically the 28th home run that reveals the truth about Jose Bautista.
Jose Bautista’s 2- run homer in the 9th inning of a 3-2 loss to the Boston Red Sox off of Jon Papelbon was truly incredible. According to Hit Tracker, the ball reached a vertical apex (top height) of 139 ft, making it the 10th highest homer of the season hit by anyone and Bautista’s highest. It also traveled only 336 feet from home plate. In the area of left center it was hit, the 336 foot “blast” would have left only Fenway Park. In any other stadium, it’s an easy fly out to left. That’s right, Bautista’s improbably high, miraculously short home run was perfectly tailored to go over improbably high, miraculously close Green Monster. Clearly, there is only one reasonable, logical explanation: Divine Intervention.
You read that correctly, it’s not steroids, it’s not a corked bat, it’s not even a mechanical change or a better understanding of his swing that turned Joey Bats from absolutely average .250 hitter into the home run hitting, .330 batting behemoth that is one of the most feared hitters in the MLB, it’s help from the baseball gods. Now, I’m not a religious man, I assure you, but I think this has to be the answer. Jose Bautista did something to appease the gods or maybe he made a deal, either way, they’re definitely on his side. I’m thinking this is sort of a 1 man Angels in the Outfield deal, where somebody with wings grabs the ball right after Jose hits and guides it very carefully until it nestles in a fan’s lap and counts for a run. Try to prove me wrong, you can’t. I know that Bautista leads the league in “No Doubt” homers according to Hit Tracker but that’s just even more proof. Why would every homer be a wall scraper? The gods would have to make a few of the homers no doubters just to try to get people like me off their trail. It’s a clever trick, I’ll admit, but, they failed and I have now released the true reason behind Jose Bautista’s successes. You’re Welcome.
-Max Frankel
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