Very Seriously Considering the 2016 Hall of Fame Ballot Seriously. Part 2

The Hall of Fame is great! This year, lots more people are trying to get in it. I’m going through all of them to see who should be in and who should be shut out in the cold, cold, upstate New York winter. This is part 2. Read part 1 here.

Roger Clemens:

Hat he will wear on plaque: Astros, but just the word Astros, not a logo they ever used

Best Stat: MLB all-time career leader in baseball bats thrown at Mike Piazza (1)

Pitcher type (starter/reliever/closer/muscle-y hard-thrower guy): Muscle-y Hard-thrower Guy

Quote: “He’s entering the twilight of his career.” – Roger Clemens on Martin Scorsese right before he filmed Goodfellas 

Roger Clemens is a very angry man. He deserves to get in simply because if he doesn’t make it, he will probably just throw a baseball at your head and then charge at you right from where he is. I’m surprised Clemens never charged at a batter from the pitcher’s mound. Anyway, he had an incredible career (the steroids helped!). I always liked how he would take months off at the beginning of the season and not travel with the team. Maybe he won’t even make it out to Cooperstown and if elected, he’ll show up in about 2028. Clemens does things on Clemens’ time.

Hall of Fame: YES TO SAVE US ALL

David Eckstein:

What he will wear on plaque: goofy wizard beard

Best Stat: 5,878,638 grits per inning

Closest MLB comparable: The Philly Phanatic

Quote: “Mr. Selig, my name is actually pronounced completely silently. It doesn’t make a sound at all.” – David Eckstein after winning the 2006 World Series MVP

Sabermetricians (those guys who still collect baseball cards, and I do mean “guys”) love ragging on the undersized David Eckstein, but it’s hard to argue against Eckstein’s impressive 2,755 career RBIs over his ten-year career.

Kidding! He only had 392! (Editor’s Note: This is true)

A nice addition to the Hall of Fame would be the David Eckstein Step Ladder, a little step-ladder he could use so the diminutive Eckstein could see just up to the bottom of his plaque. Also, maybe he could get a special bracelet to keep the docents there from telling him, “Little boy, I think your parents have lost you. Please come to the play room where they will pick you up.” I could make “David Eckstein is short jokes” all day.

Hall of Fame?: YES, LITTLE PEOPLE HAVE FEELINGS TOO

Jim Edmonds:

Hat he will wear in Hall: Angels, Cardinals, Cubs, Padres, Brewers, Reds- just all of them piled up on his head

Best stat: 98.8% of his putouts were diving, over-the-shoulder catches

WAR: thinks it’s bad with an exception for World War II

Quote: “Let’s play seventy!” – Jim Edmonds on septuagintuple-headers

Jim Edmonds was a defensive wizard, but you don’t get into the Hall of Fame for your defense (except for every single defensive player in the football hall of fame). Jim Edmonds was also an exceptional offensive player, but you don’t get into the Hall of Fame for your offense and your defense (except for every Hall of Famer in the Baseball, Basketball and Hockey Fall of Fame). No, Jim Edmonds gets to be a first ballot Hall of Famer because of his rockin’ cover of Elvis’ “Love me Tender” recorded at the Troubadour in 1976 with a young, swingin’ Carly Simon. Everyone gets into the Hall of Fame based on how much they rock.

Hall of Fame?: YEAH, HE’S A FREAKIN’ MUSICAL LEGEND

Nomar Garciaparra:

What hat he will wear on the plaque: The Saaaaaaacks!!!!!

Best stat: Career ERA –  “—–”

HBP: why do you get off on how many times Nomar’s been hit by a pitch?

Quote: “Please throw me a low, underhand pitch!” – Nomar each at bat, never realizing that that rule was changed in the 19^th century

Mia Hamm’s husband’s name is Nomar, named because his father’s name was “Ramon” and Ramon backwards is Nomar. This inspired a generation of Xams, Nosajs, Eveivenegs, and Alrams to name their kids Max, Jason, Geneveive and Marla-  the four most popular names since Nomar’s debut. Nomar’s induction is marred by the fact that his career got worse as he got older. Of course, this happens to every player ever but somehow it’s a significant problem for him. Also, I got an advance copy of his induction speech and it’s great, but he does a five-minute routine before he says any sentence and that will really slow things down.

Hall of Fame?: YES-MAHHHHHHHHHHR

Troy Glaus:

Hat he will wear on his plaque: Rancho Cucamonga Quakes. Troy Glaus developed a very serious affinity during a rehab assignment in 2003 for the Single-A Rancho Cucamonga Quakes

Best Stat: 4 – bases that Troy Glaus has been on

Who is he wearing: Currently, Glaus struts down the runway in a Louis Voutton pair of compression shorts with a Chanel ‘those sweatbands for your wrists’ and each cleat on his shoe is imported directly for the Mediterranean Sea. Simply stunning.

Quote: “Where we’re goin we don’t need roads!” – Back to the Future

“Troy Glaus, it’s so nice of you to come to Hall of Fame weekend to support your fellow baseball players! There’s a lot of fans here to see the hall of famers and…oh you were invited because you were inducted into the Hall of Fame. My apoligies.”

So, um, yeah, this is going to happen.

Hall of Fame?: HALL HIM!

Next week: Griffey, Grudzielanek, Hampton, Hoffman, Kendall aka a horrible basketball team!

-Jason Weitzman