We’ve got a lot to do today so lets jump right in!
Jeff Kent
Hat on his plaque: FedEx delivery person hat
Best stat: 13 POTATOES – 13 potatoes
Spouse: Jeffa Kent
Quote: “I coulda been a contender.” – On the Waterfront
Light-syllable infielder/outfielder/free safety/bat boy Jeff Kent is perhaps more known for feuding with Barry Bonds than any of his successes on the field. Was he a sabermetric darling? Was he seen more as a five-tool guy? Did he even start? These are unanswerable. He definitely did argue with Bonds about stuff though, and you don’t get into the Hall of Fame just based on how good you are at arguing! Well, I guess you do if you’re a manager. Then let him in as that.
Hall of Fame? As a manager
Mike Lowell
Hat on his plaque: My favorite team, the Red Sox
Best stat: 1 – World Series wins with the Boston Red Sox
Most historically significant World Series winning team he was on/best team he played on: Boston Red Sox
Quote: “Let’s Go Red Sox!” – Me
Mike Lowell is the greatest Red Sox of all time, tied with Pedro Martinez, Ted Williams, Carl Yastrzemski, Curt Schilling, Jason Varitek, Dwight Evans, Babe Ruth, Fred Lynn, David Ortiz, Manny Ramirez, Jonny Gomes, Grady Little (manager), Tim Wakefield, Theo Epstein, Bill Mueller, everyone on that 1903 World Series team, everyone on the 2013 World Series Team, everyone on the 2007 World Series team, everyone who taken the field in a Red Sox jersey, Tom Brady and Stephen Drew, and thus deserves to be in the Hall of Fame along with every one of those players, first-ballot, unanimously.
Hall of Fame? Y.E.S.
Edgar Martinez
Hat on his plaque: None. DH’s don’t get hats
Best stat: 0.00 UZR at DH
Best baseball ability: Totally unhittable 98-mph cutter
Quote: “O say can you see/ by the dawn’s early light” – Edgar Martinez before games to himself in a mirror
Pedro Martinez, I mean Edgar Martinez, was one of the most talented designated hitters of all time. He truly despised all non-hitting aspects of the game though and lobbied hard to remove, pitching, defense and baserunning from the game so players would hit off a tee and the only runs would be home runs. Like all designated hitters, he was 300 pounds and always at the end of his career despite playing 18-years. Edgar Martinez had a successful post-baseball career as a typist, which is a sort of “designated writer.”
Hall of Fame? Why not.
Fred McGriff
Hat on his plaque: He’s covering his eyes with his palms
Best stat: 6 – baseballs he could stuff in his mouth
Furthest bunt: 351 feet
Quote: “‘“‘“‘Crime Dog’”’”’” – Fred McGriff, quoting Larry Rothschild quoting Greg Vaughn quoting Jose Canseco quoting Dave Martinez quoting his nickname
Fred “Crime Dog” McGriff barked and solved many mysteries on the baseball field using his heightened sense of smell and strong bite. No case was too small or too big for “Crime Dog,” like Who Stole the Baseballs? and Who Stole the Bases? and Who Pooped in the Umpire’s Shoe? The last one was the “Crime Dog” himself, an easy case to solve. Also, the “Crime Dog” was not a dog. He was Fred McGriff, a person.
Hall of Fame? Bark!
Mark McGwire
Hat on his plaque: Dodgers, where he coaches now
Best Stat: 70 – starts at first base in 2000 season
Hero Status: currently, no
Quote: “Mmmm! Yummy steroids!”
Despite almost ruining the sanctity of baseball, he probably will go down as the most-liked Cardinal.
Hall of Fame? Yeah
Mike Mussina
Hat on his plaque:a rosin bag on his head
Best stat: 100% walk rate on intentional base on balls
Favorite Lord: Lord Baltimore
Quote: “Now batting, the left fielder, number 22, Jacoby Ellsbury!” – Michael Kay, Yankees broadcaster
Mike Mussina was always pretty good, and that makes him look outstanding, similar to the way Subway is viewed. Mike Mussina is the $5 dollar Footlong of sandwiches. It’s always good but it will never blow you away. He definitely was pretty good. He’s like a good cousin. You see him enough that you do like spending time with him, but when you really think about it, is Davey Yourlastname really all that fun to spend time with? Mike Mussina is a first cousin sandwich.
Hall of Fame? Yummmmmm
Mike Piazza
Hat on his plaque: Marlins from the five games he played there
Best stat: 0 gay thoughts he ever had, as reported in a news conference he called himself
Bats: Righty, gets them thrown at him
Quote: “M-I-K-E-space-P-I-A-Z-Z-A.” – Peter Gammons on Piazza’s career
A Mets great first and foremost to appease all those winey Queens Mets fans, Mike Piazza changed what it meant to be a catcher: to be bad at being a catcher. Okay, complaining Mets fans, he was a great hitter. Still, Johnny Bench was better overall. Fine, Mets fans, it’s unfair to compare the two from different eras. You know what, Piazza sucks. Mets fans are babies. Paul Lo Duca deserves to be in the Hall of Fame more.
Hall of Fame? Fine already Mets fans!
Tim Raines
Hat on his plaque: Nationals. Sorry, that’s the franchise now
Best stat – 56 – age
Fun Fact: Sabermatricians will lose their minds and rip out all the plaques from the Hall of Fame if he is not elected
Quote: “Il est agréable à Montréal . Je devais aller à la piscine.”
Tim Raines has a convincing argument for the Hall of Fame based on statistics because emotions and empirical evidence is a fallacy and all we can do is trust the computers whom we love so much and give us great things like Tim Raines Hall of Fame cases. Just give him the Hall of Fame before the robots get upset.
Hall of Fame? Beep boop beep 001001110
Curt Schilling
Hat on his plaque: bloody Red Sox hat
Best stat: you know what, Curt Schilling and sharing stats doesn’t ever tend to go together well
Fan Fact: Again, we’re not gonna post any of the facts that Curt shared with us
Quote: Off the Bench declines to publish anything Curt Schilling has ever said.
Curt Schilling: a dominant pitcher with one of the wimpiest names. If you got an online threat from someone named Curt Schilling wouldn’t you not be afraid of this seemingly 11-year-old video game-playing chump? And if his friend Randy Johnson was threatening you too. Actually, be forewarned because Curt Schilling may actually try to threaten you. And then Schilling would financially collapse that video game company. Anyway, Ty Cobb was worse.
Hall of Fame? yes, but quietly.
Gary Sheffield
Hat on his plaque: um who cares?
Best stat – 2568 rpm on his curveball (never used)
Hall of Fame votes on 2016 ballot: 171 (shhhh…)
Quote: “I do like baseball, old chap!”
Gary Sheffield retired some of the best career stats of any player in history. But how important are statistics anyway? Sheffield was also one of the most well known MLB players throughout his career. But is popularity even something that matters anyway? Sheffield made career earning over $168 million dollars. But does money even have true value when thought of alongside something immeasurable like happiness? He was Gary Sheffield and he was one of the game’s greats. But why do we even give people names anyway?
Hall of Fame? Does it really matter, man? Like in the scheme of things, you know?
Lee Smith
Hat on his plaque: relief pitcher hat!
Best stat: 88 NHR – Net Home Runs allowed (89 allowed minus one career home run hit)
Mental energy put into games: Like the bottom of the seventh inning on
Quote: “[points to their right arm]” – his managers
Lee Smith is a rare relief pitcher who is considered so good at being a late-innings pitcher that he would even be put up for Hall of Fame vote. So, to make things fair, let’s look at his 6 starts where he was a starting pitcher and – oh my god, he’s 0-5 with a 4.62 ERA. Just relief! Just relief! He intentionally walked 100 batters – at least that’s what he tells us – and gave up only 495 runs in 18 years, which isn’t a lot, but if something happens to you 495 times you’d think you’d be able to stop it. About the 493rd time you burn your hand cooking on a stove it kicks in. Lee Smith deserves his spot because it would be great to hear someone boo throughout a Hall of Fame speech.
Hall of Fame? Sure
Sammy Sosa
Hat on his plaque: Cubs hat, corked
Best stat: 1968 – birth year
Amazing Fact: Not the only controversial thing involving a Bush and trade in the 1980s/90s
Quote: “Sammy Sosa!” – those kids in Keanu Reeves’s Hardball
Baseball will never have another Sammy Sosa, unless another player named Sammy Sosa comes along. Sammy Sosa had over 100 RBIs nine years in a row, which sabermetrics says is not a good stat so it should never be mentioned with his Hall of Fame coverage. Sosa not in the Hall at least will save the world some bronze.
Hall of Fame? Bronze him up!
Mike Sweeney
Hat on his plaque: all I can tell you is he definitely played for the Royals
Best stat: 2 – triples in 1999
Interesting fact: in one game in 1999, he played all positions except shortstop, catcher, second base, centerfield, right field, third base, left field and pitcher
Quote: “It’s pronounced ‘Mike Sweeney.’ The ‘Phillie Phanatic’ is silent.” – Phillie Phanatic
Mike Sweeney had an average name and a high OBP. He was never caught stealing from 2005 on, but I guess I haven’t been either. Look how many stats are on his baseball-reference page! Those sure are a lot of numbers. Good for you, Mike Sweeny, first ballot Hall of Famer.
Hall of Fame? 1st ballot
Alan Trammell
Hat on his plaque: decrepit Tigers hat
Best stat: 9376 plate appearances – hard to quantify if that is a lot or a little
Memorable feat: when space shuttles were invented in his lifetime
Quote: “Stop! Trammell time!”
Alan Trammell of the “my dad may know who he is” generation, who is so old that the second result when you Google him is “Allan Trammell Baseball Card,” is not in the Hall of Fame. He played baseball during a simpler time, when WAR was something we were in in Vietnam, RBIs were the name of a battalion in Vietnam, and Mike Trout was just a child soldier fighting in Vietnam. Whether Allan Trammell makes the Hall of Fame or not, we sure did think a lot about it.
Hall of Fame? It’s about time
Billy Wagner
Hat on his plaque: shaved head, American flag tattooed on scalp
Best stat: 1 career balk! Way to screw up, Billy!
Only defining characteristic: Lefty
Quote: “Swoosh!” – Billy Wagner’s nightmare demon
Billy Wagner saved my life. Well, no. He actually saved 422 Major League games, good for not-anywhere-near-Mariano Rivera. Wagner struck fear into the hearts of hitters for 1/18th of the game. He also was a natural righty, a story I heard on the radio eight years ago and have never seen any shred of evidence for since. Would anyone want to face Billy Wagner? No. So he deserves to be in the Hall. Imagine if his plaque justified his presence by saying “He deserves to be in the Hall.”
Hall of Fame? He deserves it
Larry Walker
Hat on his plaque: NL logo
Best stat: 3.50 – Dennis Eckersley’s ERA
Coors Effect: No, actually, it didn’t affect him
Quote: “Larry, walk her!” Crowds would chant this but nobody could really tell the difference
They say a walk is as good as a hit. They don’t say a sacrifice hit is as good as a hit and thank goodness because he only had seven of those. I think there’s a strong case to be built off of Hall of Famers who only hit 7 career sac hits. Larry Walker, we stand on guard for thee.
Hall of Fame? Rocky Mountain Yes.
Randy Winn
Hat on his plaque: my high school hat with an “M” on it
Best stat: 1010.284 SOBA (strikeouts plus batting average)
Most memorable career moment: Being elected into the Hall of Fame
Quote: “Fastball low please.” – Randy Winn never learned that the rule to request a spot for a pitch was amended in the nineteenth century
Randy Winn was the greatest baseball player of all time.
Hall of Fame? Yup.
Well, there you have it. I believe everyone should be in Cooperstown. It’s going to be a crowded Hall and they might have to expand it. Maybe make it Halls of Fame. I picked some less-famous players too, so it should be the Halls of Varying Degrees of Famousness. It’s gonna be a fun 14-hour induction ceremony. 42 days until pitchers and catchers report.
-Jason Weitzman
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