Much like a Jedi sensing a disturbance in the force, so too can all basketball fans feel it – the renewal of League Pass subscriptions. Maybe it isn’t league pass: Local Comcast and Fox Sports stations, TNT and ESPN national broadcasts, and the mythical NBA TV games that no one ever sees because no one has NBA TV. One thing is true for all – you can’t watch every game. Don’t worry, The Lottery Mafia is here to help.
Left to our own devices, none of us can adequately prepare for what is coming. The NBA season schedule still features 82 games for each team and on any given night a fan will have to make hard choices. Using totally random and mostly unidentifiable criteria, we have ranked the watchability of all 14 teams that missed the playoffs during the 2015-16 season.
Keep in mind, if you’re a fan of a team and I didn’t rate them as all that watchable, they probably aren’t and you should find a new team to watch. Or don’t. You’re a fan, you can do whatever you want.
- Brooklyn Nets
I respect Linsanity. By that, I mean that I don’t respect it. Jeremy Lin fans alone are capable of driving ratings for Nets games higher than they have ever been before. They love him. If you had the misfortune of running across them last year, they would have yelled at you a thousand times over about how the Charlotte Hornets should have ditched Kemba Walker and given Lin the starting job. They are terribly wrong. Lin seems like an absolutely great guy and I’d hang out with him first chance I got, but if Lin starting at point guard is the top of your team’s mountain, no one should be watching your team play. Unless Linsanity strikes again.
- New York Knicks
This roster has a lot of players past their respective primes and one player nowhere near his prime. I want to see a lot of Kristaps Porzingis things this year. There is a problem with that – the triangle. It sounds like new coach Jeff Hornacek doesn’t plan to run the triangle all that often, but it lingers in the back of your mind. Speaking of lingering, the whole Derrick Rose situation happening off the court is ugly. It is impossible for me to separate that situation from what is on the court and because of that, pending resolution, the Rose situation makes New York basketball very difficult to watch. And I didn’t even mention the massive injury potential for Carmelo Anthony, Joakim Noah, Brandon Jennings and Rose.
- Chicago Bulls
Speaking of players past their prime, welcome to the 2016 Chicago Bulls. Jimmy Butler is in his prime and that is the only thing keeping the Bulls ahead of the Knicks. The only real upside of the Bulls might be potential drinking games involving Nikola Mirotic pump fakes. There will be months, maybe years, of completely useless Denzel Valentine-Draymond Green comparisons that everyone will have to sit through. Ask Milwaukee Bucks fans if they liked sitting through Herb Kohl’s ownership where the team consistently fought for a playoff spot but never put an actual contender on the court, never went for a true rebuild. That’s where the Bulls are headed and it will not be fun to watch.
- Orlando Magic
Frank Vogel should improve the team, but there isn’t a big draw if you aren’t already a fan of the Orlando Magic. Their defense should be great, but the offensive evolution under Vogel will be the most intriguing storyline. Roster construction was the scapegoat for all the Vogel offenses in Indiana, so what happens when he loses Paul George? Maybe Mario Hezonja transforms into the European savior Orlando needs, or fans get locked into watching a lot of Vucevic offense in the post. Long-term potential is real, but it doesn’t feel like the team is going anywhere in the immediate future. If you need some Magic in your life, just circle the Slam Dunk Contest on your calendar and hope that Aaron Gordon shows up ready to battle for that dunk title he was wrongly denied last year.
- Phoenix Suns
Devin Booker. If he’s going off, you’ll want to tune in. If he isn’t, you could be stuck watching Tyson Chandler attempt to mask his regret at joining Phoenix. Similar to the Magic, this team has upside, but they probably don’t achieve it this year. They edge out Orlando because Booker going bananas is going to be way more exciting than anything that happens during an actual game for any Magic player.
- New Orleans Pelicans
New Orleans has a long run of terrible injury misfortune going on. It isn’t slowing down this season. Without Anthony Davis, this team would be about four spots lower on this list. Also, this ranking presumes that there will be no King Cake Baby. If the baby shows up, this team immediately drops to dead last. If only considering rookies, the Pelicans also have the most intriguing prospect of any team listed to this point in Buddy Hield.
- Washington Wizards
I can’t really think of anything great to say about the Wizards. Sorry. They’ve got John Wall and Bradley Beal. They are already established as the lead talents on this roster. The coaching change should make them noticeably better this season and maybe even help to boost them back into the Eastern Conference playoff picture. The best story to follow outside of Wall and Beal is whatever happens with Otto Porter and Kelly Oubre, Jr.
- Sacramento Kings
DeMarcus Cousins is one of my 10 or 15 favorite players to watch on any given night. Beyond that, there is a lot of consistent disaster potential that makes this team unwatchable. Matt Barnes and Ty Lawson seem like players on the verge of having the floor fall out from under them at any moment. The rookies on the roster could be great, but won’t have a lot of opportunity to show it this season. Really, this team is pretty far down the list without Boogie. He’s worth watching, but it isn’t going to be a whole lot of fun.
- Los Angeles Lakers
I’m all in on the Lakers being fun. Can Luke Walton work some Warrior magic for the former best basketball team in L.A.? D’Angelo Russell should finally be set free and they have the best, non-injured rookie in Brandon Ingram. It’s obnoxious to sit through way too many people saying Ingram is Kevin Durant. Still, watching him develop as a rookie alongside Russell, Julius Randle, and Jordan Clarkson under Walton should be entertaining. The injury to Ben Simmons clears the way for Ingram to be the biggest rookie name in the league and the Lakers organization sure does enjoy the spotlight so let’s see how this goes.
- Utah Jazz
The Jazz have a playoff-ready roster. Quin Snyder is a great coach and the Utah roster is finally close to being great. Another season of Rodney Hood and Rudy Gobert should be a treat. They’d be even better to watch if not for a Gordon Hayward injury. Once he returns, this will be one of the best non-playoff teams in the entire league. Also, it’s time to see if Dante Exum is ready to take a step forward. Exum was highly regarded entering the league and after injury kept him out for the entire 2015-16 season, he’s got ground to make up and pretty much any basketball fan should be happy to see him back on the court, hoping that he’s going to live up to even a fraction of what we all expected him to be.
- Milwaukee Bucks
The Bucks were definitely going to be second or third on this list at the very least before the Khris Middleton injury. By now, it is pretty clear that the loss of Middleton really cripples their ambitions for the upcoming season. Forget those expectations, they are gone. Now, we have Jabari Parker and Giannis Antetokounmpo. You should be watching Giannis every night. You should see him in your dreams. He’s a special player and if he gets even better this season, we all might need to ascend to a new plane of reality to truly appreciate him.
- Denver Nuggets
This is the ultimate non-playoff team. They hit all the hipster criteria. Denver sports fans do not have time for basketball, especially basketball that doesn’t win a lot of games. They have a handful of players that make up some of the best European ballers in the league. Nikola Jokic showed out in the Olympics and probably just gets better this season. They’ve also got Danilo Gallinari, Jusuf Nurkic, Juancho Hernangomez, and Axel Toupane. That’s a lot of international hipster basketball fan gold right there. They also have rookie Jamal Murray. There’s also the Kenneth Faried contract. Right now, Faried and Gallinari are both prime trade candidates, so this Nuggets situation could totally change. Maybe they figure out a way to bring in DeMarcus Cousins and reunite him with coach Mike Malone. They are young, they are exciting, they are unappreciated. I’m just now getting around to typing out Emmanuel Mudiay. It’s worth mentioning because Mudiay is going to be a lot better than he was last year, he’s going to keep getting better and he’s going to be one of the best rookie contract guards in the entire league.
- Philadelphia 76ers
The Sixers are just bursting at the seams with young talent. Ben Simmons is going to miss a couple months of basketball and it won’t even matter. Joel Embiid is already setting basketball Twitter on fire for good reason. One of our editors is looking for comparisons on him because he’s that hype. The problem is that we can’t compare him to most players that seem similar because I never saw players like Hakeem Olajuwon hit 3-pointers. Dario Saric and Timothe Luwawu are both first-year players brought over from Europe that are absolutely exciting. Watching all of these players in their rookie season is going to be a delight. As watchable as they are, it will get straight bananas if they find a trade for either Nerlens Noel or Jahlil Okafor or both. For the first time in about five years, Philadelphia basketball is going to be a must-watch affair. Even still, they probably don’t win that many games this year. But don’t worry, their time is coming.
- Minnesota Timberwolves
I live in a part of the Midwest where FSNorth is provided by cable. I don’t have cable. That means that I have to wait until four days after any Timberwolves games to watch them on League Pass. This seems insane to me since I pay $200 per year for this service. The Wolves are going to be so fun to watch, so captivating and entertaining that I almost got cable television service just to watch them play. Karl-Anthony Towns is the absolute truth. If he doesn’t get better than he was last year, but repeats that performance, he’ll still be the best sophomore in the league. They got another top draft pick in Kris Dunn. The still have Andrew Wiggins, Ricky Rubio, Zach LaVine, Gorgui Dieng, and Shabazz Muhammad. They replaced Sam Mitchell with Tom Thibodeau. Did you catch that? They replaced a decent coach that might not have been right for this roster with one of the most brilliant and psychotic coaching minds in the entire world of basketball. And League Pass won’t let me watch them live. Towns might be good enough to challenge for MVP votes. Minnesota might be good enough to challenge for the eight-seed in the playoffs. I’ll be right back, I need to call the cable company to see when they can get here.
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