When you’ve been a Dolphins fan for as long as I have, you learn to hate every other team in the National Football League. Of course I love football, and of course I’ll have certain rooting interests in non-Dolphins games, but when push comes to shove, I’d see all 31 other teams get sucked down to the bowels of Hell if it meant the Dolphins could win the Super Bowl. I believe this, and if you look into your heard you know you believe this too.
And that’s what this series is all about. I’m going to examine the Dolphins’ history against every team they play this year and remind myself and you why we hate them, just in case you need any extra motivation to root for Miami this season. We start with the Washington Redskins.
Now, this isn’t a pro-PC, social justice soapbox – it’s not the time or place for that – so let’s ignore all the obvious reasons why you should hate Washington’s professional football team. Let’s focus on why the Dolphins should hate this crappy franchise, their idiot owner, Joe Theisman and his one good leg, Mark Rypien, RG3, Joe Gibbs racing, and John Riggins. Oh lord, should you hate John Riggins. More on him later.
We have to start with Mike Bass, who despite being on the losing end of Super Bowl VII, gets to live eternally as part of the most memorable highlight of that game. Screw that guy. He was average at best, but because Garo Yepremian forgot how to football for a play, Mike, who was named one of the 80 all-time greatest Redskins (that’s a long list for one team, I think Heath Shuler is number 81 on that list) gets to be the guy who prevented the perfect Dolphins from playing a perfect Super Bowl.
I wouldn’t be so mad if it wasn’t the only play everyone remembers. There are probably people in the general public who think Miami lost that game and beat another team in the Super Bowl when they went undefeated. Super Bowl VII was the culmination of the greatest season in professional sports history, and the highlight that everyone knows looks like it game from the 1976 Buccaneers 0-14 reel. The whole thing makes me mad, and that’s a game the Dolphins won.
Then there’s Super Bowl XVII, a game the Redskins won on the strength of your creepy drunk uncle who swears he doesn’t have an alcohol problem because he maintains a steady career, and meanwhile he’s commenting on his 14-year-old niece’s body after having one two many Bush Lights. Yeah, I’m talking about you John Riggins, who at least wasn’t Mike Bass. He was at least good.
But Riggins liked doing two things – running the football and acting inappropriate after throwing a few back. In addition to beating the Dolphins and winning Super Bowl MVP, Riggins got hammered and took a nap under a table in front of Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. And this wasn’t like a Joe Namath Suzy Kolber moment. Riggins wasn’t past the age where he gave a crap about public perception. This was TWO YEARS after he beat the Dolphins in the Super Bowl. TWO YEARS!
Was this an isolated incident? Of course not. Did Riggins have any other alcohol related transgressions? Of course he did. He got popped for a DUI a few years later. John Riggins should wake up every morning and thank the heavens that he didn’t play in the Twitter/Deadspin/TMZ era of sports. The new football media would have had a field day with him.
As for the play itself, look at the holding. My god, look at the holding. Riggins ran into infamy and it never should have happened. I wasn’t even alive for this play and it pisses me off to look at. I saw the NFL Films retrospective on this game on ESPN 2 when I was like 15 and wanted to break all the furniture in my parents’ living room. Screw you Riggins. Have another one.
The regular season games in my lifetime are few and far between. Remember that time Jay Fiedler came in and led the Dolphins to a crazy fourth quarter comeback against the Redskins? Yeah, they went on to miss the playoffs, so that was all for nothing. Thanks for helping me get my hopes up.
Then there was the last time these two teams played, and Washington started John Beck. I hate John Beck. You hate John Beck. Any time his name is brought up, I think back to the time Beck and the Dolphins lost to the Steelers 3-0 on Monday Night Football. Dear god, just thinking about it makes me mad.
Anyway, his ineptitude in 2011 helped Miami win and play its way out of the Andrew Luck sweepstakes, so that was fun. Remember when you realized that you saw the Dolphins lose its first 7 games, only to NOT be in contention to draft Andrew Luck? Remember that sickening feeling that you wasted two months rooting for the Dolphins to lose, and debating against those who weren’t on the Luck bandwagon, only for it to be all for naught? You can thank the Redskins for that.
If that’s not enough to hate this team, I don’t know what is.
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