As a Stanley Cup Champion, you are afforded many liberties that typically eschew traditional social and legal norms. Things like getting day drunk in the middle of a city in the face of open container laws and chugging beers in the tailgate of a pickup truck are generally ignored. This isn’t West Virginia, after all.
Moreover, when you win the Cup, you get your day to do whatever the bloody hell you want with it. Some will do the wholesome thing, like giving back to the community or taking it to a hospital. Others prefer to spend it with their families, eating cereal or some other soup meal out of it.
But for me, in a purely hypothetical situation in which I somehow managed to win a Stanley Cup, I’m taking it to the extreme.
I’m taking it to the fucking Moon.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Man, G, how the hell are you going to realistically afford the roughly $1.15+ billion it would cost to take the Cup to the moon on an NHL salary? What about the logistics behind getting from Earth to Luna? This all seems irresponsible and unrealistic.”
Look, this is my fantasy and I’ll be goddamned if you’re going to ruin it with your “facts” and “logic” and other extraneous bullshit.
With all that being said, I’m not unreasonable. I understand that the fact does remain that it’s a 3 day journey to the Moon. And that’s fine. Because as a Stanley Cup Champion, I will decide that my “day” with the Cup will be a week long affair. Stanley Cup Champions make their own damn rules. Suck it.
I will spend one full Earth day on the Moon and will prime my body with the finest bourbons and beers. All of my space travel training will be done with a belly full of liquor, just to be sure I’m fully prepared for my impending space bender.
Once on the Moon, I will force everyone in my space party (read: Phil Kessel) to listen to a playlist I made consisting of songs with the word “party” in their names. So yes, Party Hard will be on it. But so will that other song about people that like to party.
This endeavor will ensure that quite literally everybody on Earth can see that I am a Stanley Cup Champion. While doing so, I’ll also pull down my pants and moon our home planet from the Moon because I am very clearly both mature and also an adult. I will also indulge myself with a mountain of hot dog sandwiches for nourishment because I am certainly not a child.
This will be the greatest event to ever take place. Anything else is just fake news.
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