By Nate (Statler) Trop and Glen (Waldorf) McKee, Staff Writers
Hey folks, guess what? It’s early May and the Angels are once again mired in mediocracy, mostly due to injuries. We’re still in second place in the AL West though! Today is a day game against the As, sure to feature another wacky Scioscia getaway-day lineup, so what better time to answer your imaginary questions? Let’s get to it!
With Tyler Skaggs on the DL, is it time to sign Fister? – T. Can, Pinon Hills, CA
Glen: Absolutely! It’s never a bad time to get Fistered. The starting pitching is already getting fisted, so why shouldn’t it get Fistered? With Fister and Pounders on the pitching staff, the only one missing is Charlie Furbush. This is a no-brainer.
Nate: At this point, I think you have to take anyone you possibly can, the next step will probably be auditioning pitchers at the local beer league softball games. Plus, as my cohort mentioned, you can’t beat having Pounders take over for Fister.
Are there any self-help books for being such a bad pitcher you got cut by a team with more pitching injuries than Erick Aybar has screws loose? G. Mahle, Unemployment Office
Nate: Sorry man, I can’t imagine anyone thought you were here to stay…
Glen: Who are you again? Seriously, not racist (which, I know, means I’m about to say something incredibly racist) but I thought that Norris and Pounders were our only, um, Caucasian relievers the Angels had this year. Anyway, here’s a good book to start with:
I heard you guys need douchebags pitchers… – C. Wilson, dictated but not read
Nate: I would happily continue to watch these guys I have never heard of give up too many runs as long as I never have to see Wilson throw another pitch for the Angels.
Glen: I have no response to this. You’re driving racecars and going home to your supermodel wife in your comfortable mansion. I can’t even hate you anymore. You don’t care one whit about us. I surrender.
Will we see Garrett Richards again before the end of this season? – G. Richards, somewhere
Glen: Sure. We’ll see occasional shots of him in the dugout wearing a hoodie. Where we won’t see him again this season is on the pitcher’s mound.
Nate: We already saw him more than I expected to this season so I guess that is a win. He should just get his UCL fixed while he is at it.
Does anyone actually watch the Angels when Trout is sitting? N. Trop, Exile
Nate: I honestly can’t see any reason to watch this team without Trout. I used to be the person that never missed a game, but the last several years of very bad teams have completely changed that. The only thing enjoyable about watching them is Trout.
Glen: Absolutely. You can still see some great defensive plays from Andrelton Simmons. Ah, crap. (Editorial note: when I wrote this, Simmons had just been hit on the hand with a pitch and was removed from the game) Well, you can get excited about Pujols getting to 600 HR – maybe they’ll put a statue of him in an Angels uniform outside of Busch Stadium. Um, you can make a drinking game out of how many times Espinosa will strike out every night. Or, my favorite, while there’s nothing exciting going on you can google pics of Yunel Escobar and use them to salve the burn from the loss of Aybar.
Isn’t it awesome having a catcher on the team that performs defensively like Jeff Mathis was supposed to? – M. Maldonado, Southern California
Glen: Indeed it is. Maldonado has been a treat behind the plate and his bat, given what we’ve had for the last five years or so, is a bonus.
Nate: Jury is still out on Maldonado, I haven’t seen how good his throw to first is on an attempted steal of second yet.
Do you think Trout would notice if I borrowed one of his MVP awards to pick up chicks? – M. Napoli, Arlington
Nate: I am sure something could be arranged if we could borrow you for 1B/DH this season.
Glen: Mike Trout seems like the generous type so if you made up a legit reason for it (“I’m helping somebody’s ‘Make a Wish’ come true!”) he’d probably be down. However, before you return the award to him just be sure to clean off your stray beard hairs, and clean it with some cold fusion to eliminate any STDs you might give it and to remove the smell of Drakkar Noir.
Do you guys believe the attendance figures they give for each home game? – M. D’Arcy, TV Land
I am thinking of making a comeback, do you know any reliable HGH dealers? – G. Matthews Jr., Tony Reagins Fanclub
Nate: I guess this team can use all the help it can ge… NOPE.
Glen: I’m not sure about HGH, but John Lamb can hook you up with something to make you feel a bit better.
THANKS FOR THE PAYCHECK MOTHER$*(*#$S – J. Hamilton, My Palace in Texas
Well, that’s all we have time for now. Once we have something relevant and real to discuss we’ll be back. Until then, just remember: the Angels aren’t half bad. No, they’re all bad!