The Sports Daily > Cards Diaspora
Boxers or Briefs? An Examination of the San Francisco Giants

This season has been exhausting.

I know we’ve all moaned about the schizophrenic nature of this year’s squad, but it truly cannot be overstated.  The 2010 Cardinals are MADDENING! Just when you think it’s safe to assume there’s a bit of forward momentum, they turn around and shit the bed against teams that shouldn’t be trusted with a whiffle ball bat. I challenge ANYONE to make sense of it.

Hell, the Birds couldn’t even overcome the force that IS Carlos Zambrano last weekend and I’m not sure he’s totally recovered from his brain reorganization surgery. (Totally a real thing. Look it up.)

In other words, this is just getting too painful to talk about. And since I can’t inject any optimism into my blackened and charred Cardinals thought-space, I figure I might as well redirect my focus to making fun of our opponents instead.

I’m actually road tripping down to St. Louis for the Cardinals’ three game series against the Giants this weekend, so to that end, I think it’s time we do a bit of speculation about their locker room and try to ascertain just EXACTLY who we’re dealing with here. Let’s play a game of “Boxer or Briefs: Giants Edition”!

Pat Burrell – My guess? Boxers. He somehow managed to survive years of abuse in Philadelphia and come out a hero, so you know this gentleman goes for a more laid back and relaxed fit. I can’t imagine one could withstand that kind of pressure with any kind of constriction.

Mike Fontenot – Totally a briefs guy. He spent some time in the Cubs farm system, which means he lived in Des Moines, IA at some point. I trust that’s clear enough justification.

Juan Uribe – Boxer briefs. Mr. Uribe played on the Southside of Chicago for a number of years and was also reputed to be involved in a bit of gun related drama back in his native Dominican Republic in 2006.  He needs something snug, so that he can safely store his weaponry without pulling a Plaxico.

Mark DeRosa – Jock strap (no cup).  Sure, he’s been on the DL all summer with a wrist injury, what’s the big deal?  He just wants to be prepared! Plus, I bet he likes the way it looks.  SO SPORTY!

Tim Lincecum – Like this guy even bothers. You know he totally free balls it.

Barry Zito – Leopard print thong. Oh, don’t give me that look.  You know you were thinking it, too.

With these mental images carefully established (you’re WELCOME!!!), I, for one, am just SURE I can approach this weekend with some levity. Despite my general unease about which team I’ll get to see, (Jekyl or Hyde?), I am genuinely excited to finally see some action at Busch.  At least I’ll get to be surrounded by Redbird fans for a change, which is a notable upgrade from my day-to-day existence here in Cubbie Bear Country. I’m really going to try and enjoy it and not spend the full three days locked in a perpetual state of homicidal rage.  (Side note: are ballpark hot dogs as good when you desperately want to choke Kyle Lohse to death with them?)

So, anyway, GO CARDINALS? Siiiiiiiigh.