The Sports Daily > Cards Diaspora
Somehow, We Missed Carpenter’s Anaconda Attack

Forgive me, I’ve been a bit ill this week. I thought that you said Carpenter banged up his foot saving a man from an anaconda attack in the Amazon.

Wait, what?

Of course he did.

I honestly can’t believe that this site didn’t post anything about this story until now. For this, I am truly sorry. It’s one thing to not get you the adjusted VORP percentages for the AAA Redbirds, but when it comes to gigantic man eating snakes attacking superstar pitchers, well, we’ve just got to get better. This will not be taken lightly around the CD HQ.

We’re going to need you to come in on Saturday, ok?

Back to the Snakes on a Ace, though. I looks like Carp, Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay and former Blue Jay BJ Ryan decided the best place to catch some relaxing off-season fishing was, of course, the Amazon. As in the fucking Amazon, Amazon. So when a giant anaconda proceeded to attack a fellow rod n reeler, the boys of summer pounced into action and wrestled the slithering serpent back to the musty swampland it came forth from.

That snake must not have seen Game 5.

It appears that sans some minor scrapes and bruises, the troika of pitchers came away from the attack unscathed while spreading the gospel of MLB deep into the jungle. 

Good on you, Carp. Really makes Skip Shumaker’s incredible 60% off New Year’s Sale find at American Eagle look tame by comparison.