2008 Mock Draft

1.  Miami Dolphins

Nelson Muntz

CB, Springfield University

 Bill Parcells is seeking players who will help reverse the team culture left in place by former coach Cam Cameron.  Team building exercises and positive reinforcement will soon replaced by psychological ploys and brutal honesty.   

Brooks Hatlin

QB, University of Maine

Arthur Blank has soured on professional sports ownership of late and is looking to get back to his more successful roots.  He needs to find a ultra-talented competitor who won’t embarrass the franchise.  As much. 

Matt Millen

LB, Penn State

Rumor has it that Al Davis is looking for a ‘classic Raider’ type to bring back the glory of the Silver and Black.  Standout LB Millen really fits the bill.  Davis also plans on letting young Millen double up in the personnel department because “he has an even better eye for talented receivers than I do”.

Sylvester Stallone

QB, Miami

Tired of not being able to throw downfield due to Chad Pennington’s weak armed reign of terror, Jets Head Coach Eric Mangini is determined to draft the biggest arm available.  Mission accomplished.

Coffee is for closers and so are Super Bowl rings.      

Crazy Crab

CB, Cal

The Ravens are looking for a clamp down corner who fits with the culture of the Baltimore organization.  Though his speed is in question, no can deny that Crazy has can lock onto a receiver and not let go.  Plus what could be more Baltimore than crab cakes?  It’s a perfect fit.

Mushmouth

WR, Temple

The Bengals first fell in love with this kid’s blazing speed.  But According to Marvin Lewis, “The best part is you can’t understand a word he says.” 

Joseph Ratzinger

LT, Notre Dame

The Saints are looking for a natural leader to anchor the left side of their line as well as hunting for a major draw to lure people back to New Orleans.  Rumor has it that after watching the massive attendance at the Pope’s mass in New York City that he shot up the team’s draft board.  His two sport athleticism means that he should be excellent at protecting Drew Brees’s backside (and immortal soul).

Bob McKenzie

LB, Ontario 

The wretched Bills are trying to avoid becoming  Canada‘s first NFL team.  But just in case they do move to Toronto it won’t hurt to stock the roster with a couple of the top Canadian athletes. 

Eric Cartman

DT, Colorado

The run D was a major problem for the Broncs last year, so hometown hero and notorious fatass Eric Cartman of the Buffs is natural pick for Coach Mike Shanahan.  His interest in Cartman became apparent after there were no more Browns cast-offs to draft.

Shane Falco

QB, Cal Poly

The Panthers won’t miss a beat with Falco.  He combines the pretty boy creepiness of a David Carr with the washed up incompetence of a Vinny Testeverde.  In the words of Falco, “Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory… lasts forever.”

A Real Bear

DT, U of Anchorage  

The Bears regressed seriously on defense last year, and still have to find anyone to adequately fill Tank Johnson’s place after he was let go.  Lovie Smith loves the speed of this bear, and has implied to staffers that it already grasps the cover-two better than Lance Briggs.

Larry Brown

G,  North Carolina

The Lions are desperate for someone who knows what the hell he is doing on the sidelines.  Larry Brown is desperate for a coaching job.  His return to Motown has ‘ten win season’ written all over it.  

Jennifer Watson

TE, Butler University 

With Anquan Boldin begging out of Arizona, the Cardinals are looking for a new target for QB Matt Leinart.  Given his recent escapades, the Watson’s Pool Girl seems like the most logical choice in this slot.

Tecmo Bo Jackson

RB, Auburn

The Chiefs averaged 14 points per game last season, but with the seventeenth pick they manage to find an 8-bit digitized version of Bo Jackson forever in his prime.  He can’t be tackled unless you sucker punch your brother and grab his controller.  Mel Kiper calls it a reach.

Barack Obama

SS, Harvard 

The Texans are in serious need of hope as they dream of a division title.  They need someone to shake up the stats quo and bring change to their secondary.  Far from being a proven winner, they need someone with the bold energy of youth to unite their fractured locker room.  There is only choice.

Jack Sparrow

RB, Kentucky 

With Cadillac Williams still on the mend, the Bucs definitely needs someone slippery in the backfield to take the heat off of aging QB Jeff Garcia.  Sources tell us that John Gruden loves Sparrow’s upside.  “He may have been something of a rogue earlier, but his teammates really respond to his leadership.  Plus he’s damn hard to catch”.

The Real Bo Jackson

RB, Auburn

Orville Redenbacher

WR, Valprariso University 

Though he’s from a small school, Redenbacher has exactly what the Cowboys need:  popcorn.  Terrell Owens simply exhausted the team’s popcorn supply last year, and this pick might be just what the Cowboys need to avoid running out of butter in the playoffs.

The Nitanny Lion

WR, Penn State 

The Steelers are looking to replace Steely McBeam after an off-season highlighted by a drunk driving incident.  The Nitanny Lion may just a local boy in a crudely fashioned Halloween costume, but at least his name isn’t Steely McBeam.

Doc Emmitt Brown

P, Cal Tech

Already worried that they might have cost their franchise 5 years by drafting Vince Young, Coach Jeff Fischer thinks the team needs to upgrade their special teams.  “We need someone to build a time machine so as to go back to past to convince our front office not to take a guy who can’t run or throw”.  Fischer’s patience is already starting to fade.  The Titans are also considering H.G. Wells in the slot.

Howard Schultz

QB, Northern Michigan

26.  Jaguars

A Ryder Truck

DT, Florida

The Jags have seen their once stout defense weaken dramatically over the past few years, and they need a player who really packs a punch.  Jags senior write Vic Ketchman really loves Ryder.  “This guy can really move”, he says.  It’s rumored that the Jags are willing to relocate higher up in the draft if the price is right.  Coach Jack Del Rio said, “We’d love to switch spots with the Rams or Raiders.  Where we are now…well, I just don’t think it’s a good enough home for our picking needs”.

27.  Chargers

Dick Cheney

MLB, Wyoming 

If the Chargers are finally going to win a Super Bowl they will need to find someone who can quietly do Norv Turner’s job for him.  Nobody is more qualified than Cheney.  Let’s go ahead and pencil him in as shadow GM as well.  

Themselves

K, Texas

The Cowboys are absolutely in love with themselves.  They are fairly certain that they are the best player available and can meet all their own needs.  They’ve scouted extensively and haven’t found another player that interests them nearly as much.  “Playing in a tough division,” commented owner Jerry Jones, “I think we need a player who understands the importance of the Cowboys.  That player is us.”

Insert Random Gay Guy such as:  The Cast of Will and Grace

TE, Cal Berkeley

Bernie the Brewer

DE, Wisconsin 

With Brett Favre retiring the Pack really needs someone to keep the fans engaged during the cold winter months.  By drafting Bernie, a local boy, Pack management is convinced they’ve found a new hero to occupy the imagination of Cheese Head nation.  If all else fails, Bernie will bring his own keg and help everyone drink away the painful “Aaron Rogers Era”

Dan Conner

LB, Penn State

This kid is tall with adequate bulk and room on his frame to get bigger. He displays very good natural instincts. He is physical, tough and aggressive, but also disciplined. Plays with a mean streak and his motor never stops running.  Just the kind of player the Pats need.  It is too bad they forfeited this pick. 

Miracle Max

RB, Marshall University 

GM Ernie Accorsi is rumored to be very worried that his Giants have used up all the miracles they could possibly have hoped for with their improbable run to the Lombardi trophy last season.  Knowing that they lack the talent of some of the other teams in the division, the Giants are eyeballing the diminutive wonder worker.  “If we get left for dead again, we might just need a tad more than Eli can muster”.   Accorsi is also very excited about the prospect of “chocolate coating”.  

We aren’t exactly sure why.