The Sports Daily > Colts Authority
How does this man still have a job?

Corey Patterson may be the worst player in the Major Leagues. Last night the announcers actually debated whether he was capable of getting a hit in any other way besides bunting. Despite being of no value beyond a late inning defensive replacement, Patterson (who can’t even pinch run effectively because he’s been caught stealing 33% of the time) LED OFF for the Reds. Wait…
He led off?
After last night’s 0-4, HIS ON BASE % IS .216. For the more conventionally minded…HE IS HITTING .183 AND IT’S JULY. If ever in the history of the world there was a player who should hit 9th, it is Corey Patterson. Arroyo was the pitcher last night. He had two hits in his last game. Patterson hasn’t had 2 hits in a game since May and did only five times this year.
Why does he still have a job? The rumor is that he has compromising photos of Dusty Baker. We at 18to88.com have obtained one such photo, and in the interest of freeing Dusty from the clutches of this batless blackmailer will publish it now:

Photo not actually Dusty Baker. Midget is actually a terrier.
Yes, it’s true. Dusty has a thing for midgets. Afraid for his reputation (why, I’m not sure), Dusty wanted to hide his monstrous predilection from the world. This has opened the door for Corey Patterson to use his leverage over Dusty to continue to occupy a major league roster despite no actual playing ability.
You are free now, Dusty! No judgement here. Continue to delight in what makes you happy…AND CUT COREY PATTERSON!