The Sports Daily > Days of Y'Orr
Datsyuk Makes Us Hate Wizards. BRUINS LOSE.

Oooooh my name is Pavel Datsyuk. I have magic hands and score fancy goals meeeeeeeh.

Yeah Bruins. That’s what happens when you give Datsyuk space. Girls get off by just looking at his magic hands. If Datsyuk worked at a massage parlor and gave Happy Endings we’d go at least 80 times a week.

Great game other than the outcome though. The Bruins had their chances to win but just couldn’t finish around the net. We weren’t at all surprised that game came down to just one goal.

It was like the Bruins and Red Wings got together before the game and decided that despite the rest of the league getting in a time machine and going back to the early 90’s where goalies couldn’t stop anything, they would collectively put on a hockey clinic.

This is going to be a fun series. Other than having to wear adult diapers. We also need someone to put a voo doo curse on Datsyuk’s hands. Stupid jerk. Stupid amazingly good at hockey jerk.

– Loved the energy right from the start for the Bruins. Zdeno Chara was throwing hits that might have even been bigger than his dong. Boychuk was in everyone’s face. Rask was in the zone. Exactly the kind of start we wanted to see.

– Marchand can often be frustrating in regards to the timing of his antics but he was on his game tonight. Nothing over the line but enough to get under the skin of multiple Red Wings. He produced so many scoring chances too. This is the Marchand the Bruins need to win.

– Rask played his balls off. So many good saves, especially this little exchange here:

– Pete Blackburn drew the unfortunate duty of going on Perv Patrol tonight. It didn’t take him long to find one:

– Bruins penalty kill looked great on Detroit’s two chances. B’s PK was up and down this season but good to see they had it together tonight. They’ll definitely need to keep that up.

– Patrice Bergeron. Just everything about him. Especially his smile.

– Thought Dougie had a strong game. Good decision making (mostly), some great plays. Now if he could only get himself a big boy name.

– Thought Destroychuk had a good game. Felt like he played the whole game. Plus, you now, he DESTROYED bitches.

– No excuse for that spear Lucic. Understand games can get frustrating and heated but that was bush league.

– Lucic is lucky he’s big. Here’s what happens to other guys when they pull stupid shit like this:

– Lack of calls certainly didn’t cost the Bruins the game but it is INCREDIBLY frustrating how often Detroit commits a blatant hold and it goes “unnoticed.” What makes this more annoying is that the Red Wings are known for this and it still is never called.

– The amount of people freaking out because the Bruins lost. It’s one game you dolts. And the Bruins lost by one goal. This isn’t the NFL you morons. Your playoff run doesn’t end after one loss. Maybe start to worry if the Bruins lose Sunday. Until then shut the hell up or go drink bleach. Preferably both.

– Jordan Caron apparently never took a class on wrap arounds.

– As a Bruins fan this goal was AWFUL. As a hockey fan… sweet jebus. What an effort.

– HOW DID THIS NOT GO IN!?!?!? HOW!?!?!?

– Jimmy Howard was giving up Reimer like rebounds and the Bruins couldn’t do anything about it. Detroit was great in front of their own net but even when the B’s had opportunities they just plain missed.

– Bruins have never seen any Fatalities in Mortal Kombat because they had no idea what to do when the screen said FINISH HIM.

– Can the Bruins channel their frustration into more positive ways instead of going for amateur circumcisions?

– Why are people so stupid that they think this series is over after one game?

– Why have no criminal charges been brought against Detroit for releasing Kid Rock on the world?

– Shut. Up.