The Sports Daily > Days of Y'Orr
Mike Komisarek Accused of Hitting Woman

TMZ is reporting that Toronto Maple Leafs punching bag and resident turtle Mike Komisarek punched a woman in the face at a Hollywood nightclub. If this is true, quite frankly we’re not surprised that Komisarek would bully a woman. 

The incident apparently happened earlier this month and as Pensblog points out the Leafs were on the West Coast around the beginning of January.

Our first issue with the TMZ report is that it calls Komisarek a “defensive powerhouse” which automatically makes them lose all credibility. If by “defensive powerhouse” they meant “defensive turnstile” then they certainly have a point.

TMZ then goes on to call him an NHL “star” so again the reliability of this report seems faulty. Komisarek might be a star to other turtles, since he has mastered the craft, but that is about it.

But if the report is true, what could drive Mike Komisarek to strike a woman? We explore.

After the jump…. Mike Komisarek is a wussy, cowardly, no talent douche bag…….

Why would Mike Komisarek hit a woman? You cannot necessarily judge a person’s off ice personality based on his on ice personality. We do not know Mike Komisarek, but if his on ice personality even slightly resembles the person he really is then we’re not surprised he’d be bullying people outside of hockey.

Komisarek often refuses to fight people face to face and loves attacking people from behind. When confronted by someone face to face he often turtles as quickly as he can. He’s a coward. So if this story is true we can totally picture some 5’3″ woman walking up to Komisarek, saying something and then Komisarek belting her in the mouth when she’s not looking because she’s smaller and he knows he can probably take her.

But what would make him so angry? What would make him hit an innocent woman? We offer a few reasons:

1) Maybe the lady was reminding Komisarek of all the times he’s lost to Lucic. Lucic has made lil Mikey his own personal bitch and Komisarek is obviously upset about it. He’s lost to Milan Lucic so many times that maybe he turned to hitting women. Seriously. Lucic has kicked his ass so often it is sad. This poor girl was just in the wrong place at the wrong time and he tried to pretend she was Lucic.

2) Komisarek’s kids go to school every day and everyone points and laughs and says “Ha ha your dad is one of the biggest pansies in NHL history!” So Komisarek went to his kid’s school earlier in the day and tried to beat up the kids taunting his children. Then he got his ass kicked.

By the time Komisarek got to the club that night he was already amped up and decided to sucker punch that woman to make himself feel better.

3) Komisarek had visited one of the West Coast’s many great aquariums. He was having a super fun time until he got to the turtle exhibit.

He suddenly had flashbacks of the TD Garden crowd, and other crowds around North America, chanting “Tuuuuuuuuurtle! Tuuuuuuuuuuuuurtle!” when he takes to the ice.

Later on at the club he overheard the woman and her friend talking about her new pet turtle. Mike assumed the conversation was about him and then went over and punched in from behind.

4) Komisarek was at practice earlier that day and his teammates were talking about the latest episode of Ninja Turtles and how it is not eve close to as good as the Ninja Turtles show from the 80s-early 90s.

This of course brought up bad memories for Mike. You see, he was fired from his job as one of the Ninja Turtles after just one week once the rest of the Turtles found out he was a giant coward and couldn’t fight. 

The taunts his endured that day still upset him. He looked around practice and realized there was no body there that he could beat in a fight. Later the night, the girl at the club looked like April O’Neil and he struck her in a blind rage.

5) Finally, the most logical reason. Komisarek is just a giant douche. He sucks at hockey. He sucks at life. So he takes it out on people who are smaller than him… and not looking.

Did he really punch a woman? We don’t  know. If he did he’s an even bigger piece of shit than we thought.