For the second straight year, the Washington Capitals fought off elimination in a Game 5 situation on the back of Braden Holtby to force a Game 6 in Pittsburgh.
The storyline started out the same.
The result was vastly different.
This time around, the Penguins took a page out of the Capitals book and didn’t bother showing up for an elimination game, getting shelled 5-2 in the process. For all intents and purposes, though, last night ended 5-0.
Whatever the reasoning or the excuse may be, the Penguins looked tired. Not just regular tired. They looked like they were up all night shotgunning Natty pounders and parachuting Xanax.
And it would make sense, no doubt. This is a team without its starting goalie. This is a team without it’s ~30 minute per night, #1 defenseman. The latter has forced guys used to playing 16-18 minutes per night to play 22-24…for months. That takes a toll. So does a long playoff run last year and a short summer made even shorter by the World Cup of Hockey.
Despite there are more than enough reasons why it was quite possibly the worst game the Penguins have played all season long, no one gives a shit about excuses. This performance couldn’t have come at a worse time, but on the flip side, there’s a minimal chance they manage to play this horrifyingly bad again. They can’t afford to. But if they do, would anyone blame them?
The end result is a Game 7, on a Wednesday no less, so NBC can still feed us all their Rivalry Night dogshit. What a world we live in. And if you get to this point in the season, regardless of fatigue, and can’t get up for a Game 7, you don’t deserve to survive another round. Those are the rules.
Buckle up for the coin flip, kiddos.
FIRST PERIOD
HCMS made a couple of changes to his lineup with Daley out injured and the (temporary) reunion of HBK. It didn’t work.
We see you, HBK! 👀
cc: @ShawnMichaels pic.twitter.com/H9DkowCLpW
— Pittsburgh Penguins (@penguins) May 8, 2017
Literally the only positive you can take away from this game was that the Pens had like 3 good shifts at the beginning of the game. But the story of it was written as soon as Crosby took Hornqvist’s stick to the face trying to get physical on the forecheck. The second tell came on basically the next shift as Guentzel tried to do the exact same thing, connecting with Kuznetsov instead of his own teammate instead, catching a roughing rap just 4:07 into the game. Despite Fleury making a huge save on an Ovi laser, the penalty sucked everything out of the decent start.
Fleury stayed dialed in, keeping the Pens afloat in the first, surviving a barrage that started with an Orpik shot and ended with a GTFO glove save on Carlson. Everyone sucked this whole game, but Fleury at least turned in a solid performance in the opening 20.
The other story of the first period, nay, the entire goddamn game, was the Pens inability to actually get shots on net. And when Hornqvist got a little feed from Sheary and was all alone in front, he made sure to keep that narrative afloat by fanning on the shot about at the halfway point, which would’ve been the Pens first shot on goal. Then about 2 minutes later, Crosby went to the box for hooking Wilson. The Caps made short work of the PP by pulling Dumoulin up and away from Kuznetsov, bing bang booming it around to set up Oshie in the soft little area in the slot to open the scoring. 1-0
Speaking of Dumo, he was credited with the first Pens shot on goal; a 150′ clearance on the PK that happened to end up on goal. So generous.
But with 2:43 left, the Pens had their chance at redemption, grabbing a PP of their own after Kuznetsov got into Malkin’s kitchen. Wasn’t aware the refs were allowed to give the Caps penalties in elimination games, but whatever. Hornqvist got himself temporarily hurt on a “hockey play” after Orpik cross-checked him from behind and Niskanen kicked him in the face. Crosby got dumped from behind by Carlson, headfirst into the boards. Nothing to see here, clearly. Just an ugly powerplay all around.
SECOND PERIOD
I can’t speculate what’s wrong with Conor Sheary, but the kid hasn’t done much of anything positive at all this postseason. But perhaps his second biggest contribution came just over 5 minutes into the period when he buried Marcus Johansson.
His first biggest contribution, you ask? Clearing the puck like a 5 year old. Cole nearly bailed him out after his clearance went off Oshie until Ron Hainsey decided he, too, was going to be a dumpster boy. Somehow Hainsey’s clearing attempt was worse because, spoiler alert, he didn’t fucking clear it at all. Burakovsky all over him, embarrassing him and completing the whole mess by scoring a softy on MAF. 2-0
The Pens finally got a decent look halfway through the period coming from a feed from Maatta to 87 and 43 in front, but Crosby couldn’t jam it home. It was maybe their best sequence aside from the first 2 or 3 shifts, drawing a penalty about a minute later on Burakovsky for hooking. PP was just as anemic as in the first. Caps did too nice of a job keeping the Pens to the perimeter and refusing to let them penetrate their box.
Though the Peng started to actually get some things going late, the Caps ability to take away space and lanes held the Pens to just 8 shots through 40 minutes of play. But a two goal deficit heading into the third isn’t an insurmountable thing….
THIRD PERIOD
….until Ian Cole shit on his dick at the offensive blue line, allowing Backstrom to skate in and rip one home just 16 seconds in to send it to Game 7. 3-0
It was over, but Eller went off for holding Bonino about a minute later. Maybe a goal there would’ve given Pittsburgh a glimmer of hope, but…
It was still all over, but the Penguins weren’t done dipping their balls in battery acid, going back to the PK twice in the first half of the period. The first one came after Rust was shoved into Holtby by Niskanen and the second game after Beagle interfered with Cullen and Dad retaliated. They were able to murder the first one, but lost a 3v3 puck battle in the corner on the second one for Niskanen to put it on a platter for a Carlson rocket. 4-0
As if 4-0 wasn’t enough, Ian Cole once again tried to do too much at the far blueline, coughing the puck up to Burakovsky to dash in, out-wait Weedle, and rip the third straight goal high glove on MAF. Remember when everyone was shitting on Barry Trotz for replacing Ovi on the top line with Bura? Well, Burakovsky has 3G-1A since Ovi’s demotion to 3L. 5-0
If you weren’t one of the thousands of people that poured out of PPG or turned off the broadcast, the Pens were able to grab ahold of something. Still not entirely sure what it was, but it was something. With Hornqvist and Alzner both in the box for The Pens did, however, break the shutout on a 4v4 situation with Hornqvist and Alzner each in the box after they filed HR complaints against one another. On the 4v4, they’d grab two quick ones to make the score look a little more respectable. Crosby making Oshie look more foolish than than a grown ass man that voluntarily calls himself TJ or Matty. Then, Dumoulin would get in deep to help Sheary set up Geno for their sole contributions to the bloodbath. 5-2
Game.
NOTES
- Relax.
- Everyone sucked last night.
- They won the Cup last year. The alarmism and bitching about losing two straight against the best team in the league are dumb and also stupid. Have a nap.
- Better bring it Wednesday.
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