So the Mets have to pay $162 million to Irving Picard’s trustee after settling in court today. And somehow, this is good news. It’s good news for the Wilpons, it’s good news for the trustees, everybody is freakin’ happy. Except me, of course. Partly because I’m never happy. Partly because it is pretty much going to keep the Wilpons entrenched in that ownership chair. Not because of the amount of money, which is a lot and if they had to pay now they’d be done. But they don’t have to pay anything in the first three years! Did the Wilpons buy a car on layaway or something? I mean, when losing $162 million is considered good news, how low are our standards, exactly?
(Correction: Not everyone besides me is happy. I’d hate to be the one who has to tell the victims of the scandal “Look, we got some good money for you. But you aren’t going to see it until 2015.”)
So for the next three seasons, the Mets will only have to worry about paying back the loans to MLB and the bridge loans from the banks, which will still keep them stuck in neutral. Then after three years, at which point we had all hoped the Mets could finally start making money and getting out of this hole as these young pitchers are becoming prominent members of the rotation (we hope), the Mets are going to start paying this $162 million, or however much they have to pay since they can offset that amount with their own losses as “Madoff losers”. Does this mean the Mets won’t be able to afford Matt Harvey when he comes up, pitches well, and wants a big contract? Will they have to trade him?
(The correct answer is: Matt Harvey will break a bone in his everything before he pitches well enough to get a contract.”)
The news conferences after the settlement were hysterical. First you have Saul Katz coming out and saying “litigation is negative energy”. Great, Katz has gone all hippie on us. Next you’ll see him wear a Cher wig and playing a guitar singing Cat Stevens songs down in Market Square in Pittsburgh. He’s gone. Maybe he can write a song about how Mike Pelfrey on the mound is the most negative energy of all, and he must be stopped to preserve peace in our time.
(Yup, eight runs in two and two-thirds for Pelf, the ball coming out of his hand better than ever. Wonderful! Let’s cancel the rest of the spring and go north.)
Then, Fred Wilpon coming out and saying “Stick with us. We’ll be there. We have done it before, twice in 33 years.” Okay, so what exactly have they done twice in 33 years? Win World Championships? Well if that’s what he meant then he can’t count, which would explain how the Mets got in this mess in the first place. Because they won two titles in the last 43 years, not the 33 years they’ve owned the team. So did he mean two World Series appearances in 33 years? Yes, that’s great to brag about. “We won one title and lost to the Yankees under our watch.” Terrific. Brag over the fact that you’ve taken a New York team with all the resources in the world to prominence twice in 33 years! Twice!!!
Mario Cuomo says that this will be a return to normalcy for the Wilpons. Well, if the Wilpons have been prominent twice in 33 years, then normalcy will mean that we’ll suck. Because that’s been the norm, right? Oh, and being in debt is normal for them, so that will continue. And of course, the Wilpons’ reign of mediocrity will continue, because the world is conspiring to smile on them and let them retain ownership of the franchise I love dysfunctionally. And lest we forget the MRIs and the cortisone shots. Normalcy.
But at least the negative energy is gone. Yup, kumbaya motherf***ers!!!