Somewhere in a dark, damp pole barn in the depths of Hattiesburg, Mississippi, a shadowy figure dials a 612 number into his cell phone …
*Ring ring* …. *Ring ring*
Yes, is this Mister Kahn? … Like that Star Trek movie? Ok, good. Listen up Mister Kahn, I don’t know who you are but you undoubtedly know who I am and … Ok, fine, you manage some sports team that no one watches. Listen, we need to straighten something serious out here. If you didn’t hear, someone may have leaked some information recently about me signing with a certain football team in your clubs vicinity and how said club has already started mass producing my beautiful, pants creaming jersey for resale. But while I was excitedly anticipating the national news running with this story that I … er, someone, leaked, I see that the state of Minnesota became infatuated with some other news concerning a business transaction made by you. Now the spotlight is on you and your club and is off of me. Me. Brett Favre. The greatest quarterback to ever play the game.
Mister Kahn, how dare you upstage me.
Do you know how damaging this is for me? Coach Childress is no where to be found to turn the spot light back on my weather beaten smug face by saying something dumb and incriminating. I’ve worked very hard with my agent Bus Cook to try and make me look like an innocent bystander throughout this entire process, but now you’ve really fucked the pig farm on this one. With this bizarre move made in some other archaic sport, the Twin Cities spot light has swung from Mississippi back to Minneapolis. That, sir, was completely uncalled for.
What am I going to do now? Continue to rehab my arm with television cameras turning tail? The front page of ESPN.com for a while did have a Minnesota feature … but it was about this ball basket team! And when … someone … tried to make a big splash on a local news station by letting this leak fly, it receives 15 minutes of fame and is then pushed to the back burner like some used up Texas cheerleader while these baggy short wearing juveniles get the love and attention from the entire state. Unbelievable!
Now, listen Mister Kahn, I know you are trying to just do your job, and from the looks of it, you’ve been doing it rather well, but be on alert. These shenanigans will not be allowed to continue once football season starts. My family and friends have recently informed me that this “basketball” season starts during the precious football season, and that is just unacceptable. A retarded death wish for you, in fact. It should prove disastrous for your sport to be competing for ratings against my glorious return to the field, so please, let’s not make this any harder on your silly team; have them make way for Favrapalooza.
I will contact you again in the future if these mishaps continue. For now, thanks for your time sir, and if there is anything I can do to make sure that your team will continue to play second fiddle to my self whoring antics, please let me know. If you would like, I’ll even come give an opening ball tip at your game, or whatever your stupid sport does to honor real athletes and celebrities. And of course, autographed jerseys from yours truly.
Take care now, and remember, the next time you steal my thunder I’ll run over your wolves with my tractor.