Hi, my name is Dr. Mantis Toboggan. I’m a doctor. You can call me Mantis……M.D.
During my free time, I play Madden on Xbox under the moniker TollTroll2some, so I know everything there is to know about the injury bug that goes around the NFL every season (even though I turn injuries and fatigue off).
Today, I break down all the key injuries for Week 11. Expect to see me around here often, demonstrating my monster dong.
I’ll start with the game that already happened, Miami vs. Carolina.
Miami running back Ronnie Brown is out for the season because Rickey Williams is better (and Brown’s ankle was broken when it was stepped on by Mark Mangino).
Arizona at St. Louis
Despite scoring touchdowns two weeks in a row, Steve Breaston refuses to give his fantasy owners any type of comfort when setting their lineups each week. His knee is still bothering him and he was a limited participant in practice on Thursday.
Head coach Dick Jauron is listed as Fired.
Rashean Mathis will be out with sore genital regions. Mathis is a letter swap and a flip-flop location with the T from being a great name.
Cincinnati Bengals at Oakland Raiders
The team in orange jumpsuits made a great move picking Larry Johnson up off twitters, I mean waivers. Cedric Benson is as questionable as my sexuality, which is extremely debatable. Laverneus Coles is probable…going to play. Not probably gay.
“Practice not complete.” That explains a lot actually.
Cleveland Browns at Detroit Lions
Indianapolis Colts at Baltimore Ravens
Anthongy Gonzalez will miss at least a couple more games. The beneficiary? Pierre Garcon, the first black French guy to play one of the four major American professional sports since Tony Parker. Unfortunately, he tripped over a pain au chocolat and his ankle has been bothersome. He should play, though.
Darren Sharper, Reggie Bush, and Lance Moore are all listed as questionable. Bush is supposedly still dating Kim Kardashian and Lance Moore is upset he’s not more involved with the offense.
Byron Leftwich is on the report for his left elbow. It keeps throwing incompletions and interceptions. The Bucs want fans to know that Bryant, Cadillac Williams, and Kellen Winslow were all full participants in practice which means the Bucs actually have a slim chance of winning now. Leftwich not practicing also helps.
New York Jets at New England Patriots
Mark Sanchez was seen eating a hot dog during practice.
The Firm and Fred Taylor both out, so that leaves the running game, or lack thereof, to Kevin Faulk and Lance Maroney again. Tom Brady is the obligatory probable and Bill Belichick is still listed as ‘wrong’ for his 4th and 2 call from a week ago.
Philadelphia Eagles at Chicago Bears
Brian Westbrook will most likely not play ever again.
I’ve been informed that Cutler’s “throwing-to-the-wrong-team-itis” is not actually a disease.
Pittsburgh Steelers at Kansas City Chiefs
Look at this. Apparently the Steelers have no injuries, because they’re fucking perfect. That’s not true, though. Troy Polamalu hurt his knee last week…Rug burn fixing Big Ben’s TV.
Twitter is the biggest inactive for the Chiefs, an addition by subtraction. And to think Dwayne Bowe was really starting to enjoy it (and steroids).
San Diego Chargers at Denver Broncos
I thought Gates had a bye week and was at the spa? LT’s wife is listed as pregnant.
San Francisco 49ers at Green Bay Packers
Isaac Bruce (ankle, elbow, age) was a full participant on Thursday. Crabtree, as well.
Charles Woodson, who injured his hip flexor doing the Heisman pose for an Ohio State teammate, was a full participant.
Seattle Seahawks at Minnesota Vikings
Julius Jones is still suffering the effects of a bruised lung. Not that Jones does, but I smoke a lot of weed and I’ve never had a bruised lung. Tarred? Yes. Bruised? No.
Brett Favre was limited in practice (hip, groin, age, doesn’t like to practice), but he’ll likely make his millionth start in a row. Wish I could say the same for Bernard Berrien, but he’s always hurt and nobody really cares.
Washington Redskins at Dallas Cowboys
I’ve often injured my thumb sticking it up my butt, BUT I assure you that’s not how Marion Barber injured his despite having nothing better to do this season considering his work load in this Cowboys offense is way down (on pace for 30 less receptions and less carries).
Tennessee Titans at Houston Texans
Vince Young has officially been lifted from suicide watch.
Injury to Andre Johnson’s fantasy opponents is listed as probable.