It wasn’t long after the final clock ticked off on the Green Bay Packers’ Super Bowl victory when Aaron Rodgers knew time was up. No, not for the game, that was the farthest thing from his mind after his team had gone up 21-0 in the most obviously thrown game in the history of Vegas. No, he was thinking of things FAR more important.
After years of falling in the draft, playing second fiddle to a Hall of Fame quarterback, and swimming through questions about his propensity for injury, Rodgers finally knew he had broken through with a Super Bowl win. And there was only one way of proving it to everyone: Dating a super hoter chick.
“I finally realized that I was tired of playing down to the level of the competition, you know?” He said months later, not exactly referencing football or his girlfriends clearly. “I said to myself, ‘To hell with this. I’m sick of dating linebackers and county music wailers. It’s time for Mr. Rodgers to pull some poon and really show everyone that I am SUPER SERIOUS about being an NFL quarterback!'”
“If Tom Brady can bag super model quality cookas, why not this guy?”
It was then that he called former girlfriend and lead singer of Lady Antedonotcare, “Hillary Scott”, and told her it was over. “I did the right thing. As soon as the Super Bowl trophy was in my hands, I was fumbling for my cell phone so I could call her right away and tell her I wasn’t into dudes any more. I mean, she had provided a great transition for me to date real women, what with her broad shoulders, man hands, and neck beard, but I figured I was ready to upgrade now. I’m a god damn Super Bowl winning quarterback, and I’m going to have two minute sex with women who look like I deserve!”
It was barely a month later when Rodgers was seen in Hawaii with his new girlfriend, some chick with a boss rack and a flat stomach called Destiny Newton. “She’s totally not a stripper I hired, guys” Rodgers said weeks later. “She’s a … well, she’s going to school to study Communications and be a bartender but … hey, just shut up, OK? And the tattoo is nothing … she said … it uh, was just this phase from college. She’s actually really nice and respectable. Enjoys wine spritzers, sunsets, lap dogs … ah shit. She’s totally a stripper, isn’t she?”
Will this move be enough to vault him into the upper echelon of super star quarterbacks who date amazingly attractive women? Some weren’t so sure. “Way to join the club, dude-chacho. Dating hot chicks was like so 2009” said Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler, who is dating an eye catcher himself in Kristin Cavallari. “The real trick though isn’t to just date a hot babe though, it’s to not care about dating a hot babe and just pretend like football sucks anyway. That’s what I do, and look at me. I’m successful and … Oh.”
In addition, when finally reached for comment, New England Patriot’s quarterback Tom Brady said “Who? Oh, Erin! Yeah, I love her on Gameday in the fall. She’s a great announcer for ESPN. She’ll go far.”