Why The Colts Will Score More Than The Other Guys - Bengals Edition

Why The Colts Will Score More Than The Other Guys - Bengals Edition


Why The Colts Will Score More Than The Other Guys - Bengals Edition


Hello, Colts fans. The key to football is to score more points than the other guys.

I know this and you know this, but our friends in the media need something to talk about in order to justify their jobs. Earlier this summer, a certain baseball announcer acknowledged to me that yes, I was right, the team really does just need to score more than the other guys. Yet each time a game rolls around, there he is giving us keys to the game that never include the bit about scoring.

As he is a highly-compensated professional, I figure that the creation of keys that turn no locks must be a growth industry. So now, it’s my turn.

Welcome to Why The Colts Will Score More Than The Other Guys

Who: The Indianapolis Colts vs the Cincinnati Bengals.

What: Week 8 of the 2017 NFL season.

Where: Paul Brown Stadium. Cincinnati, OH.

When: 1 PM Eastern, Sunday, October 29th. TV: CBS. We’re in Week 8 and we’ve hit rock bottom, folks. CBS deems this meeting so highly they’ve assigned us their lowest rated broadcasting team, the esteemed duo of Spero Dedes and Adam Archuleta. And Charles Pagano is still head coach. #ChuckNay. If you would prefer watching something else, you can peruse the other games right here. 

Why the Colts will score more than the other guys:

1. I don’t have the slightest idea.

I wish I was joking. Last week was the most embarrassing defeat I remember in recent Colts history, yet somehow Charles didn’t get fired. I’m low key rooting for this team to lose just to get Charles fired. I’m so sick of him.


Thanks to a pick 6 by Quincy Wilson – remember him? Charles sure doesn’t – with 3 minutes left to play, the Colts take a 17-13 lead. Elite QB Andy Dalton gets one more crack at the porous Colts defense, however, so all is not well and fine.

The Bengals begin to mount a drive, with Dalton taking advantage of the non-coverage skills possessed by the Colts’ LB’s. I’m panicking, but the defense stiffens and forces a 4th down from the 22 with 38 seconds left.

Dalton takes the snap…the Colts have one more rush left…Jabaal Sheard beats his man and gets a bead on Dalton, but Dalton breaks free and takes off. He’s to the 20…the 10…the 5….and….

The football gods decide to smile on the Colts, and because of his ginger-ness, Dalton bursts into flames…FUMBLE.

Quincy Wilson – remember him? Charles sure doesn’t – picks up the ball and takes it to the house, flipping off his head coach on the way to the end zone. #ChuckNay

2. Colts cheerleader Jessica G

Jessica has been really, really quiet lately, no doubt disheartened by the fact that Charles Pagano is still the head coach.

But that’s alright, because Jessica and I have this thing where she just automatically agrees with my columns no matter what.

Anyway, check this out…

Look at those gams. My word. I have no idea who Jessica’s friends are here, but I’m a fan.


Jessica also has a friend named Vanessa, whom the author just discovered. Among other assets, Vanessa has hair for miles.

My word.

*fans self*

Colts 17, Bengals 13 

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