Look, let’s face it. We all know it’s coming. It could happen today. It could happen tomorrow. It could happen next week or perhaps sometime closer to the draft. Regardless, there’s nothing we can do to stop it.
Phil Joseph Kessel, Jr. (i.e. the most handsome man on the face of the earth) has played his last game as a member of the Pittsburgh Penguins – he will soon be traded.
Sure, it fucking sucks. It hurts deep, in fact. But being the positive guy I am, I always reflect on this important quote by the late Dr. Seuss every time good things come to an end.
I’m not crying, YOU’RE crying.
(Fuck. I’m crying, too.)
Two days ago, Pat held back tears as he wrote some scattered thoughts from a Pens fan’s perspective about Phil Kessel tenure in the black and gold while he ate donuts at work (not kidding).
And yesterday, G busted out the calculator like a nerd and crunched the numbers on Phil (hint: they’re #good despite what fat local sports talk radio doofuses say).
As for today, well, I’m gonna reminisce a bit and give you #AllThePhils (get it?) – Power Ranking style. Without further ado, here are the Top 10 Moments from Phil Kessel’s past four years with the Pittsburgh Penguins:
10. Ryan Reaves Scare
I mean, what’s not to love about this? Phil’s reaction is perhaps the most honest reaction I’ve ever seen of anyone getting prank scared in my entire life. Sure, he averages a point per game playing professional ice hockey, but he also gets scared by clown masks just like you and me.
Don’t ever do that to Phil again!
9. “Same Old Shit”
Random Pittsburgh sports reporter that Phil Kessel obviously hates: “Did you do anything fun this summer?”
Phil Kessel: “No. Same old shit, you know.”
And by “same old shit,” Phil isn’t like other elite hockey players who train their balls off all summer long. Phil, on the other hand, plays golf, fishes, and maybe laces up the skates close to a dozen times or so. Freak athlete, imo.
8. Phil for President
While people are still fighting in 2019 over the results of the 2016 U.S. Presidential Election, the smart ones voted for someone with who encompassed a more simpler vision – one who happens to be a nice guy, tries hard, and loves the game. You know, someone like Phil Kessel.
7. World Cup of Hockey Tweet
Despite nearly snatching the Conn Smythe Trophy from Sidney Crosby as the NHL’s playoff MVP in 2016, Team USA decided to leave Phil Kessel off their roster for the upcoming
world tournament that nobody gives a shit about World Cup of Hockey tournament. And when Team USA ultimately got their shit pumped early by Canada in an early round exit, Phil casually let the world know exactly what he was doing while everyone wondered why he wasn’t playing.
6. “I got two Cups.”
While scoring a career-high 92 points in the 2017-2018 regular season, Phil was asked about the possibility of winning the league’s Art Ross Trophy (or the award that goes to the player who scores the most points throughout the course of the regular season) a mere month and a half before the season even concluded.
You think Phil gives a fuck about a trophy he can’t put hot dogs in? Think again.
5. Angry Phil
Wanna know what happens when Phil gets angry as fuck during a hockey game?
He scores game-winning goals, of course.
Hot take, but if Phil doesn’t score that goal, the Pens go down 0-2 to Ottawa in the 2017 Eastern Conference Finals and don’t repeat as Stanley Cup champions. Craig Anderson played out of his mind that series (with the exception for Game 5).
4. Stanley Cup Hot Dog Meme
So beautiful, I had to make it the header photo for this blog. Perhaps the greatest photoshop of all time.
Phil Kessel is a Stanley Cup champion (x2).
3. Dressing Room smile going into 2016 Stanley Cup Final
I mean, can you find a purer smile than that?
My how things have changed. Pardon me while I cry myself to sleep.
2. Phil stuffs the Stanley Cup with hot dogs (and Steve Simmons in a locker)
For those of you that don’t know the story, give this a read, first.
Which poses the question – did Phil go too far trolling Simmons?
1. Pierre McGuire bad breath interview
I mean, what more can I say? Easily one of the greatest postgame sports interviews of all-time. It has everything you’d ever want – humor, joy, and Phil Kessel.
You think his teammates will miss him?
Fuck. I’m crying again.
We love you forever and ever, Phil.