Whoopsie!

Welp.  THAT happened. 

Welcome back, St. Louis Cardinals!  Nothing like a gut wrenching 11th inning pants shitting to start the season.  All of that excitement and buildup leading to one big FACEPALM.  It’s practically a ready-made Disney fairy tale!  Surely, Steven Spielberg is buying up the film rights AS WE SPEAK.  Good grief.  I just hope Hooks was very, very drunk. Or at least found solace in the arms of a busty blond. {ed. note: in bed by 10p. Ugh} (Side note:  big props to HMW for hosting the live blog.  I like his style.)

I’ll admit, I haven’t been all that prepared for this circus to get started.  I’ve spent the better part of the past few weeks wanting to cry, although I’m not sure if that was out of excitement or white knuckled fear. 

Sometimes it’s hard to tell. 

I mean, I’m a delicate flower that cannot handle adversity in any capacity, so obviously this offseason had me in an emotional tailspin.  Between Waino’s arm amputation and the As the Pujols Turns soap opera, my headspace has been a horrifyingly tangled and misguided place to live.  Who is in charge here? Who is driving this short bus? Is Kyle McClellan really in the starting rotation? 

REALLY???  WHAT IS GOING ON HERE, PEOPLE:?

Ahem…ANYWAY, I’m probably still just shaking off the rust. It’s been a long off-season. I actually had responsibilities and stuff (which I think my employers ought to know is a TERRIBLE idea), so it’s been easy to shove baseball into the closet under the staircase that locks from the outside. 

However, the Cubs kick things off in just a few hours. 

And as ill prepared as I was for the Cardinals to play ball, the sheer thought of ALL THAT IS WRIGLEY FIELD beginning its annual assault on my psyche is enough to make me want to swallow a box of thumbtacks. Does it make sense that my very genuine and very pure hatred seems to grow exponentially every year? That makes me feel like a horrible human being, but I think I can be honest here.  We’re all friends, right? 

JUDGMENT FREE ZONE! 

What if I “accidentally” run over a Cubs fan on my way home tomorrow? That is absolutely not outside the realm of possibility.  Although I don’t consider myself a violent human being, everyone has their limits. These idiots are uncivilized and I simply won’t stand for it. WE HAVE PRINCIPLES, AMIRIGHT GUYS???

So, here’s to a Cubs loss.  Because DUH.