Sports hate: Our friends at Monstah Mash make mincemeat of the Blue Jays, the Yankees, and me!

I see so much bad writing every day on the Internet that I make it a point to praise those people I know who are good writers I especially appreciate those who are genuinely hilarious, like my friends at Monstah Mash, the Red Sox fan site. Nick Piccione, one of the lead writers there, had a really funny rant today in an article entitled “An Open Letter to the New York Yankees.” Lots of great lines in this piece!
He starts with a sports hate rant, talking about how now that Boston is out of contention,he has fired up “the hate train.” Here he describes his full-throttle sports hate:

Every year I get to pick some players, managers, and teams that I get to root against. The Cardinals are my keeper team. They’re in the lineup every year. Keep calling yourselves “the best fans in the country” as your football team leaves for LA you giant collective of asshats. The rest of the roster fills out as follows: David Price (Hall of Fame tool), Joe Maddon (for spawning David Price #unforgivable), David Price again (Seriously, I hate this guy), Buck Showalter (the only manager almost as overrated as Maddon) and the Toronto Blue Jays round out the hate squad.

I tip my hat to Nick for all of this, because I am writing this squawk while watching David Price and the Blue Jays shut down the Yankees for much of Friday’s game, before finally wearing out in the eighth. I hate you, David Price!

About those Blue Jays: surprisingly for a Red Sox fan, Nick has invested a lot in hating Toronto this year!:

Look, I take a lot of pride in my hate. My hate makes me happy. You can call it moronic or oxymoronic or sociopathic or whatever, but it’s true. And I’ve invested the vast majority of this season’s hate index towards the Toronto Blue Jays. I think they’re wildly overrated, and that they’re gonna get their doors blown off as soon as they run into any team with a good pitching staff.

I agree that sports hate is an underrated emotion, and it also makes me happy! (And really, hate can be an underrated emotion — when I am pushing through a road race, I’d like to think I am always thinking warm and fuzzy thoughts, but sometimes when I am running, I am thinking “I’ll show you!”)

After all, I call myself a New York City football fan, rooting for both the Jets and the Giants, but let’s face it — I hate the Patriots more than I love those teams! New England is just so hateable! Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, Gronk, Aaron Hernandez….what is there to like? Hate, hate, hate! I hate them all!

But here’s the thing. Because of his sports hate for Toronto, Nick was rooting for the Yankees (!) to win the division. Now he’s peeved that the Yanks have blown what looked to be a secure lead. Me too, Nick! Maybe you jinxed them!

I also get a shoutout in the column (emphasis added):

Even the locals are turning against your sham of a team now. My bestest friend on the internet Lisa Swan over at Scrubway Squawkers is so miffed by you baboons that she’s been forced to write about how much the music at your ballpark sucks. As a man who is well versed in that art of the hate-filled rant, I can say factually that if you’ve been reduced to spitting fire about the jingles in between innings, you are so ripsh!t about your team that literally anything can set you off into a pants-pooping fury.

That is actually true! (Well, not the pants-pooping fury part, but the part about me being positively peeved!) Squawker Jon gave me a hard time over that piece, saying I needed to write another article about the Yankees getting humiliated by the Blue Jays. But there is only so much fury I can safely spew, but I think I’ve got it going again. So step it up, Yankees, or a hate-filled rant will be very necessary!

Arrow to top