Week 4 Mailbag

Surrender by General Cornwallis to the American commander at Yorktown, Virginia on 19 October 1781

Hello Colts fans. It’s London time. The time where, after three straight late afternoon games for a team who plays in the Midwest, the NFL slaps us in the face with an early morning game overseas that 99% of us hate. In the spirit of London time, the NFL can sod off with this bloody terrible scheduling.

In better news, the boys finally scored their first win of the season last Sunday, so this week’s mailbag is happier than the previous ones have been. At least in my mind, anyway.

Let’s see what’s on your minds, ya wankers….

Q: Any word the Colts would bring back in D’Joun Smith? Pagano high on him. Kid has to have some major talent if healthy – Justin via Twitter

Thanks for your question, Justin, and hope to see you in the mailbag again. After watching his college highlight tape I was really excited when the Colts drafted D’Joun. He showed speed and a knack for making plays on the ball. It just didn’t work out, though. He’s been hurt so much, and with all of the other injuries to the secondary the team could no longer afford to sit around waiting for him. It looks like his ship has sailed as far as the Colts go, but since last Friday he’s been brought in for tryouts by both the Lions and the Jets. The Colts play the Jets in December, so it’s still possible we’ll see him again.

Q: How are the Colts going to win this week? – Lindsay via Facebook

This is really a trick question, as Lindsay already knows all they need to do is score more than the other guys. Based on previous meetings, I think Jack Doyle and Dwayne Allen should be able to have big games. I think the Britter Kittens will make a conscious effort to limit TY Hilton as much as possible, which should give Phillip Dorsett a chance to make some plays. Defensively, I’m not so sure what the plan of action is. Blake Bortles isn’t a very good QB, but anyone can look good when they have all day to throw, and I’m not sold on the Colts’ pass rush. I’m not sold on the ability of the Colts’ linebackers to cover anyone, either.

More importantly, after last season the Colts have a score to settle with the Britter Kittens. You all know what game I’m talking about. There was an unnecessary touchdown – on 4th down, too – after the game was well out of reach. Hey, I get it. It’s the NFL. We all enjoy a good stomping, and we hate when it happens to our team, but that touchdown was a bit more than just “playing a full 60.” Then you had the Telvin Smith hit on Matt Hasselbeck. Talk about something completely unnecessary. Was it a legal play per the rules? Yes. Was it a cheap shot? Without question.

If I’m Chuck Pagano I have the unnecessary touchdown and the cheap shot tackle playing on a loop 24/7 in the locker room, no matter which continent the team happens to be on.

Q: Are we going to get a full game of hustle from offense and defense this week? – Kimberly Anne via Facebook

No. Everyone is going to be dead from the travel. Did I mention 99% of us hate this game being in London? The NFL has taken the piss out of us Colts fans with this schedule. Yes, I’m mad. No, I will not apologize. It’s ridiculous.

Anyway, I expect some jet lag and I expect a very ugly game no matter who wins.

Q: Where does Cromartie land on the depth chart when everyone is healthy? – Jon via Twitter

Good question. Welcome to the mailbag, Jon, and hope to see you again. I think after the first game and a half, probably fourth. In the last game and a half, he’s made a case for remaining a starter. As he’s gotten into game shape, he’s played decently. The Colts made a fairly big investment in Patrick Robinson though, so I expect him to start once he returns from his concussion. With Vontae Davis still getting back up to speed and Darius Butler sidelined with the hamstring issue, Cro is still going to get his share of snaps.

Speaking of Cro, years ago there was this fake Facebook post about a Chargers – Jets playoff game (won by the Jets I believe, in OT on a long TD run by Shonn Greene) which featured “real” commentary from various players involved in the game. It was absolutely hysterical, and highlighted Cro’s inability to tackle. I couldn’t find it. If anyone out there knows what I’m talking about, please share.

Q: Were the Colts wise to elect not to take their bye week the following week? – Nick via Facebook

If there’s anything worse than agreeing to play a game in London, it’s electing not to take your bye the week after. I see where they were coming from, which is that they didn’t want to have the bye so early in the season, but if they were going to agree to this nonsense they should’ve told the NFL to move the game back.

Next season, no matter which teams are dumb enough to stupid enough to idiotic enough to agree to play in London, they will be required by league rule to have a bye the following week. I’m also guessing there will be no week four game in London next season.

Q: Will the fish and chips help or hinder the Colts’ performance against the Jags? – Jodi via text

Fried foods, no matter how tasty, are a hindrance to pro athletes. This Colts team has enough problems without having to worry about the English version of Long John Silver.

What they should do instead is visit the Chipotle in London.

Just kidding (sorry Matt Hasselbeck).

Q: What does JJ Watt’s injury mean for the Colts this season? – Paul via Twitter

Another great question from a newcomer to the mailbag. Paul, please visit us again.

While I’m no Adam Schefter – I didn’t gain access to any of JJ’s medical records – I get the feeling JJ rushed back into action too soon. Back injuries are very, very difficult, and require a lot of rest. Trust me, I deal with it on a daily basis, and I’m not out there trying to move 300 lb. men out of the way for a living, either. As Colts fans we’re required to dislike JJ on principle, but he is a tremendous player and this is a huge loss for Houston. What this says for the Colts is, even though the AFC South was already a dumpster fire, it is now a much more winnable dumpster fire.

Q: Does this London game give you a case of the collywobbles? What would you say is a good cure for the collywobbles? – Matt via Twitter

Yes, just like it does 99% of the people. Before anyone asks, yes, there is such a thing as the “collywobbles.” Use your preferred search engine of choice to find out what it means.

This game probably sets a record for collywobbleness (I’m not sure that’s a real word, but I’m using it anyway). According to the medical textbook I published earlier today, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. In this case, the measly ounce required is simply to not agree to play a game in London. The Colts seem to have taken delight in causing us to suffer from the collywobbles this season (and last season, too), and we’ve basically had to sit here and swallow it.

According to the medical textbook I published earlier today, the only prescription is more cowbell.


Never question Bruce Dickinson. Even about collywobbles.

Q: Besides America, what is the best thing to come from England? – Nick via Facebook

Easy question. The answer is the music. Think about it: The Beatles, The Stones. The Who. Cream. The Yardbirds. Led Zeppelin. Jeff Beck. David Bowie. Humble Pie. Slade. Deep Purple. Black Sabbath. Fleetwood Mac (originally a blues outfit). Pink Floyd. Queen. Bad Company. Genesis. The Spice Girls (just kidding). Even Jimi Hendrix, while not from England, didn’t taste musical success until he formed his Experience band over there. I’m an unapologetic fan of “old school” rock. I loved it as a kid, I love it now, and I’ll love it when I’m 75 and truly have to have the volume turned to 11.

Q: This team is going to give me a heart attack. I’m too young to die. Make sure when it happens they put my pic on the big screen at Lucas Oil with “I’m too young to die” followed by “Thanks, Colts”  – Amy Louise via text

If you’ve ever seen Amy, then you’re sitting there thinking her pic on the big screen isn’t really such a bad idea. Holla.

We can’t be having this team killing fans, though. We’re just three games in and already it’s been complete chaos. The team could be 3-0 right now, and could just as easily be 0-3. Madness. I know I’m not the only one whose jump-off-the-couch-excitement over TY Hilton’s touchdown was quickly tempered by the sobering reality that more than a minute remained and the Chargers weren’t dead yet. Even the untimed down had me worried. Bob Lamey made national news by dropping an f-bomb as the game ended. To me it was a non-story, as he didn’t say anything us fans weren’t saying.

Get on blood pressure medicine, forsake drugs and alcohol, buy a suit of armor, whatever you have to do. Brace yourselves, because it’s going to be this way all season.

Q: Big Ben, Parliament or London Bridge (which is technically in Arizona)…of those 3 London monuments, which best describes the Pagano era of Colts football? – Dodger via Twitter

He is correct, in a sense. One of the many “London Bridges” was in fact dismantled and moved to Arizona. Isn’t history grand?

Here’s how I rank his choices, from least Pagano-like to most:

3- Big Ben. Easy choice here. Over its 150 years-plus of existence, Big Ben has been as steady as a Bill Belichick coached team. In other words, completely unlike Pagano.

2- London Bridge. It’s come falling down a few times over the course of its long and varied existence, but has always managed to rise again. The thing about rising again is you have to fall down first, and that’s a bit too much like the Pagano era. Or the Grisano era, if you will.

1-Parliament. Ah yes, politicians. Aren’t they great? You get a lot of hot air about how they’re going to make changes and things will be great, but it’s the same stuff every year. Sound familiar? It should. Clear winner here.

Q:  Is it acceptable to be drunk before 10 AM on Sunday? – Nick via Facebook

Since the Colts agreed to this ridiculous game in London, you’re damn right it’s acceptable. At least if they lose you’ll be feeling so good it won’t matter that the day of football has been ruined before everyone else even plays.

See you soon Colts fans.

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