The hot takes (AS IF THERE ARE ANY OTHER KINDS) about beliefs concerning satellite camps and how they define the very spirit of who someone is as a person are showing no signs of slowing down because there is no other news with enough strength that can put the brakes on this freight train out of insignificant hell. As a result, the back and forth will rage on, as people refuse to believe this is as simple as one side lobbying for what benefits its interests the most and the other side doing the same for its interests.
Everything else mentioned in all of the arguing is bloated stupidity. It’s shocking that people engaged in something as hypercompetitive as recruiting would want to do what’s best for themselves, but it’s true!
Anyway, whatever your stance or spirit is, I think we can all agree that this decision over the existence of satellite camps shouldn’t be made by voters who seek to serve themselves, but by a wise third party in a powdered wig.
BAILIFF: ALL RISE, THIS HEARING IS IN SESSION, THE HONORABLE JUDGE HOOTIE NOW PRESIDING.
JUDGE HOOTIE: Thank you, Baylor. Such a rich voice. Deep and loud. Sounds like a guy in charge. Love it. Served this court so well for many years.
Alright, please be seated, ladies and gentlemen. We are here today to adjusticate the matter of satellite camps.
Some people want ’em. Some people don’t. But that’s not the question. The question is, y’all ready for this?
(double index finger-point at the ceiling while looking straight ahead)
Should we have them?
Sort of like life, you know. Some things you want. Like, say, for an old coach to get back in the young man’s coaching game. Just the chance to do it. Makes the hair all up and down my arms and on my neck stand up.
Boy, that gets me going. It really does.
(the silence of a 1,000-yard stare)
So, uh, back to the matter at our hands. Deciding this satellite chimps thing.
I’ve read both of the arguments submitted. The one written by the SEC, the greatest conference in America. Bear Bryant, Johnny Vaught, Vince Dooley. That meat grinder schedule. Great to be in its presence.
Also read the argument submitted by the Big Ten. Woody Hayes and, uh, well, uh, all that other greatness. Very special.
Read some very good points by both sides. Left me feeling all conflicted and unsure inside. My head was spinning like a freshman those first two weeks he’s on campus. Going 100 miles an hour, swimming around in circles, but love the effort. Just gotta get his mind in the right place.
Took me some time, but I think I’m in the right place. Just like that freshman I was talking about.
So with all of the thought and consideration I put in to my last two years at Ole Miss, I’ve made up my mind. I think both sides, and let’s not forget the fans. The fans of the greatest sport in the world. They matter. Always supporting us coaches and the players and all that.
I think everyone’s gonna find this to be fair. Leaning on experience and wisdom, much like that of King Salamon from the Bible, I am ruling that I will cut the satellite camps in half with this samurai sword I bought last weekend at a black market flea market.
(pulls samurai sword from under his desk, unsheathes to show the court)
Got this just before Barry Switzer walked in. Great bargain. It’s light, but it’s real strong. And sharp too. Hoooooo boy, tiny little flick of the wrists and get those tomatoes right off the plant. Plus, it makes a funny whistle noise when you cut through the air real fast like this.
(swings sword around in the air)
Hey, anyway, like I was saying, I’m gonna cut the camps in half with Mr. Murray here – that’s what I call him – so that one side can get half, and the other side can get half.
Do you see what I mean? Half for one side, and half for the other. Real equal. Exactly equal in fact.
Like I always say, or maybe I never said, fairness first. Fairness first. Just another way you can spell ‘win.’ Court adjurn.
(bangs gavel on coffee mug)
(coffee mug shatters)
(coffee spills across desk, runs down into an electrical socket on the floor)
(sparks shoot everywhere)
(building burns to the ground)
Add The Sports Daily to your Google News Feed!
