Wednesday Grab Bag 12.12

It is Wednesday, my dudes. That means it’s time to grab a cup of coffee, pretend you’re working so your joke of a boss is happy and then read the grab bag.

Hasn’t been a bad week here in land of flightless birds. A complete dismantling of the Islanders at home got us back in the playoff picture, Canada’s capital proved to be a house of horrors and Jake-N-Bake’s leg kick got us all pregnant.

As it sits today before the Pens take on the Blackhawks tonight on Wednesday Night Rivalry Hockey, (I’m writing this prior to Josh having the gameday posted. I liked the part where you called Patrick Kane essentially Edgar from Men In Black. Hilarious!) we sit tied for third in the Metro and three points back of the second Wild Card. Not where we want to be, but that’s how she goes sometimes.

Links

The Good

The only podcast you should subscribe to is Dying Alive, but if you feel the need to broaden your horizons, Elliotte Friedman and Jeff Marek’s 31 Thoughts: The Podcast has a special episode with former Penguins Defenseman Andrew Ference. It’s absolutely worth the hour listen. You learn plenty about Ference, the NHL as a whole, hockey culture, why Edmonton is trash and just how batshit crazy Tim Thomas actually was.

Robert Bortuzzo, getting the ball rolling on And1 Hockey…also bringing a new definition to the term “tip in goal.”

Don’t want to piss on your parade, Tyler Dellow, but G already did this two weeks ago.

Shouts to Dimitri Filipovic getting a gig at ESPN, and as he is apt to do, he brought the fire with his latest. Notes:

• The Oilers are McDavid and some guys. Better hope his collarbone stays in tact!
• Sid, while producing at a great clip, isn’t the only one on the Pens, which is good, but we need more.
• Colorado is good, but MacKinnon and Rantanen account for almost 66% of their offensive output.
• Shut down Patty Kane tonight and you shut down the Blackhawks.

The Bad

This is some Final Destination shit….thank god he’s okay. Kid can’t catch a break. Rough year.

Here come the Ottawa Senators. pic.twitter.com/fvSs2trc3g

— Matthew McKenna (He/Him) (@MattMcK2419) December 10, 2018

The Penguins, twice (twice!!!!), lost to this team. Looks like a screengrab of when you stop giving a shit during a game of NHL online and you just keep diving until your opponent quits…………..not that I’ve ever done that.

This is only going in “The Bad” because we all know how this is going to go, these guys will say they’re gonna test the market and then from June 28-30, they’ll all re-sign with their clubs. Just once, hockey, ONCE, let us have fun. Anyway, enjoy dreaming about free agents leaving and signing elsewhere.

“Way to go, Paul!!”

The Ugly

EDM was average-y here before Hitchcock and that remains the case. He's going to make one of the most infuriating runs for the Jack Adams. pic.twitter.com/tx7KZ7kKod

— Sean Tierney (@ChartingHockey) December 12, 2018

He’s gonna win the Jack Adams on the strength of a boring system with the world’s best player. Let’s all just get through this.

You know your season isn’t going well when your eighth goal of the season is described as “makes score more respectable.”

Numbers

Standings

Metropolitan

Atlantic

Central

Pacific

Points

Save Percentage

*Technically, Laurent Brossoit of Winnipeg is tied for first, but with under ten games played, we are excluding him from this list.

What These Numbers Tell Us: Talk about your all-time unexpected things, Calgary leads a relatively weak Pacific Division that seemed pre-destined to belong to the Shorks. Granted, San Jose still only sits three points back, but hey, more power to boys of Alberta.

Chicago is garbage. I guess when you commit $21M to two forwards, $6.8M (until forever and ever amen) to a single defenseman and make a trade for uh….a third liner, the bottom is going to fall right out. That said, they’ll probably boatrace the Pens tonight.

Did you have Mikko Rantanen as the first player this year to get 50 points? No, you didn’t. What a season for that kid and Nathan MacKinnon of Cole Harbor, Nova Scotia.

I had someone ask me why I always find a way to criticize Toronto in the Grab Bag as if I have some vendetta against the Leafs. Well, I don’t. I just see obvious flaws in them, plus when your team is fighting to win a division, I have to talk about you. Andersen is up to 25 GP in early December, that’s not great, ask 2017 Cam Talbot how that went. He’s not a truly elite goaltender and it looks like he may hit 30 GP before the calendar flips to January, that’s a problem. Ron Hainsey is their second or third defenseman, that’s a HUGE issue. They’re good, almost really good, but not quite there yet.

No idea what’s happening in St. Louis, but apparently they’re trying their best!

The Week Ahead:

As stated a couple times in this blog, the Pens head to Chicago tonight to round out the Dad’s Trip and take on the Blackhawks. They’re on an eight-game losing streak. They’re last in their division. They’ve been pitiful all season long that they blamed awful roster composition on an objectively great coach. What does all this mean? Pens slip worse than Chris Boswell. Book it.

Know Your Enemy: Second City Hockey

Friday, it’s back home to take on the Bruins who, despite injuries to Bergeron and Chara, are still keeping pace in a top-heavy Atlantic Division. Thanks largely to David Pastrnak and Jaroslav Halak. Expect the usual antics from Marchand and Halak to become the greatest goaltender in the history of ever.

Know Your Enemy: Days of Y’Orr (pour one out for some of the OG Hockey Bloggers)

Saturday, it’s time to welcome the team with the NHL’s second worst record (only ahead of tonight’s opponent) the LA Kings. They have been awful. Ilya Kovalchuk, at age 35, is signed for two more seasons at a cost of $6.25M, they’re the oldest team in the league and they’re slooooooooooow. Even with Hagelin on their roster that team will lull you to sleep. Maybe Doughty should of tested free agency.

Know Your Enemy: The Royal Half (great week for remembering some of the blogs that got us blogging)

The week gets rounded out with a visit from Johnny Whitehall and Daniel Sprong. The Ducks come to town Monday and they’re somehow third in the Pacific Division. Half because that division is a tire fire inside a dumpster fire inside a warehouse fire, half because Gibson is Terry Sawchuk reincarnate. Expect a 1-0 or 2-1 slog.

Know Your Enemy: Pucks of a Feather

Thanks for reading, follow me (or tell me how bad this was) on Twitter @SynonymForWet.